


these tiresome paper dreams, honey

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-01
Updated: 2009-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:26:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The first time she meets Lily Loveless, she's struck by the sudden blue of her eyes.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [it's not that i keep coming back to you, it's that we keep coming back to each other](https://archiveofourown.org/works/736530) by [majesdane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane). 



  
Why didn't you tell me that the only thing worth loving is an actress?  
\-- _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ , Oscar Wilde

 

 

Kathryn's always been the more devoted of them when it comes to acting.

It's not as though Megan doesn't enjoy it, because she does, honestly. But Kat takes to it like a fish to water, and Megan's fairly sure that it's because Kat discovered that acting was just showing a different side of yourself, displaying parts of you that were or weren't true, but were all the same very real and tangible.

Which is probably why when her parents ask them about it, Kathryn is the one who wants to sign up for summer acting classes at Mountview. Kat presses her to join, but Megan flatly refuses, because, one, she doesn't want to give up her Saturday mornings, and two, she doesn't like doing something just because Kat wants her to do it.

She's in Kathryn's shadow enough as it is, anyway.

;;

One morning Megan comes with their mum to pick Kat up from drama class, because they've planned to all go shopping together that after noon. It's raining out a bit when they get there; Kathryn's outside sitting on the steps by the back entrance to the building, sheltered from the rain by the bit of the roof jutting out at the side.

She stand when their car pulls up, brushing off her jeans and waving goodbye to a tall brunette leaning against the metal doors behind her, smiling broadly.

Oh, Megan thinks. That's different.

'Who's your friend?" Their mum asks Kat, as she climbs into the backseat next to Megan, tugging on her seat belt.

"Just a girl from class," Kat says vaguely, not even looking up from the screen of her mobile.

;;

Kathryn puts the sticker up on her wall, doesn't say anything about it until Meg's in her room one day while they're sharing a spliff and a bottle of vodka and Megan says, "Oh, when did you put that up," to which Kat just shrugs and says, "Dunno, can't remember," and takes the bottle from Meg and takes a ridiculously long swallow of it.

Megan gets a sticker of her own too, eventually, because it's the only proper thing to do, really, for them each to have one; she puts it up on the mirror over her vanity table, hopes for a moment it doesn't look too glaringly obvious, before deciding that she just really doesn't give a fuck if anyone knows. When Kathryn spots it, a few weeks later, she raises her eyebrows but doesn't say anything on the subject.

It occurs to Megan, much later, that Kat probably thinks that she put the sticker up because she was trying to be all supportive and sisterly; she wonders if Kathryn even knows, and how could she, since Meg's never willingly offered that sort of information and Kat is too daft to actually ask her point blank. She's far too caught up in her own crowd to be bothered with what Megan gets up to her in her spare time, which is really fine, as far as Meg is concerned.

Later, she says, "I don't care, you know, who you shag," and Kathryn gets rather defensive about that, asks why Megan's even bringing it up, and Meg just rolls her eyes and takes back the spliff, because honestly, if Kathryn hasn't gotten it figured out by now, Megan isn't going to explain it to her.

;;

It's funny, almost, how immediately drawn they are to their characters. Just from reading the first page, Megan already knows that she wants to play Katie, is about to say as much when Kathryn looks up quickly from her script, says, "I want to play Emily."

That's how they settle it; they each know what they want, anyway, and it certainly impresses the directors, who had figured on things being the other way around. It doesn't work any way but this, though.

And then the directors ask Kat if she would have any problem kissing a girl and Meg has to stop herself from rolling her eyes. (Later, she'll re-read the script and realize that this is probably why Kathryn wanted to be Emily; she hadn't read as far into the script as Kat had, didn't even know this whole issue would come up.)

;;

Less than a week later, she and Kat are in the bathroom brushing her teeth, when Meg says, as nonchalantly as she can manage, "Did you know? That Emily would be like that?"

"Know what," Kathryn says, rising off her toothbrush. She looks up at Meg in the mirror.

"You know," Megan says uncomfortably, averting her eyes, suddenly struck with the urge to study her nails. "That'd she be like, you know. Gay."

"Sorta," Kathryn wipes her mouth of the hand towel by the sink, looks at her reflection in the mirror, brushing her fringe off further to the side. "I mean, not really. Well, the script sort of hinted at it, you know? But what the directors said, that pretty much confirmed it, don't you think?"

Megan shrugs, reaches across Kathryn to get at the hairbrush.

"Why, do you have a problem with it?" Kat asks, after a moment, and Megan has to bite the inside her her cheek from laughing, because, _honestly_.

She tells her that as much, tossing the hairbrush back onto the sink counter, says, "I don't really give a fuck, to be quite honest."

;;

The second time they're asked to audition, they fuck things up marvelously.

Kathryn slouches in her chair in the waiting room, says gloomily, "Well, that was shit," and looks so generally unhappy that Meg can't even muster up the effort to try and make her feel better, aside from offering her a cigarette.

Outside, they stand by the doors and smoke, and Megan says, "Don't worry about it too much, yeah?"

Kat just sighs, drops her fag to the ground and crushes it out with the heel of her bright red Vans, murmurs, "Whatever," heads back inside.

Alone, standing there with a cigarette smoldering between her fingers, she wonders what's up, because obviously she wants this part too -- and fuck if she doesn't think it'd be the best thing ever, getting it; she watched the first two series religiously -- but there's no point in moping around about it, especially when things haven't been decided yet.

And then she thinks, maybe it's just because she's used to fucking up, used to being second best. Kathryn is not.

;;

Kathryn gets the call first, that they've gotten the part; it's only twenty minutes later when their agent calls home and lets Megan know. She has to resist the urge to make lots of high-pitched noises, because she doesn't really even know what to say, is ridiculously excited, calls the first ten friends on her contact to list to let them know what happened.

When Kat gets home from college, Megan, still grinning, says, "See, I _told_ you," and Kathryn rolls her eyes but smiles anyway.

;;

"I'm worried," Kathryn confesses to her, on one of those rare nights when she lets Meg into her room, when the two of them sit on her bed together and do ridiculous twin-like stuff, like paint each others nails (matching shades of pink, Kat's idea) and talk about like, their feelings or whatever.

"Yeah?" Meg says, blows on her nails once Kat pulls her hand away looking satisfied, screwing the cover of the polish back on. "About what?"

Kathryn shrugs, opens a different bottle and begins to paint her toenails as well. "Just, you know, about the whole thing. Like, if I'll get on with the people on cast. Or if like -- well, I wonder what they're going to ask us to do."

"Probably loads of drinking, drugs, and sex," Meg says, adds, "I mean, like, not raunchy like. Just, nudity and whatever."

"Right, Meg, I forgot you've actually watched the show before."

"Yeah." She looks down at her nails. "It's weird, you know? I've watched the last two series, which were all sorts of amazing, and now I'm actually going to be _in_ the show. _We're_ going to be in the show. It's like, reality's gotten a bit fucked up, yeah?"

Kat nods, finishes her toenails, flops lazily back on the bed, closes her eyes. Megan waits patiently for her nails to dry, looks at all the writing on the wall above Kat's bed, at the bright red sticker posted off to the side, glaringly obvious, with it's bold black and white print, thinks about maybe saying something about it, decides not to.

And there's all the books on the shelf above that, all with the pages facing out; she wonders what they are, wonders if Kat would even tell her, if she were to ask, wonders if Kathryn _did_ tell her, if it would be the truth. She blows on her nails, wishes they would hurry up and dry.

Finally, Kathryn opens her eyes, says, "It's almost fucking one in the morning," and then yawns, if on cue. "We've got fucking college tomorrow, so."

Megan sighs, stretches. "Right, yeah. Well, thanks, Kathryn. For doing my nails, I mean."

"Sure," Kathryn says, and yawns again; Megan flicks the light switch off as she leaves.

;;

The first time she meets Lily Loveless, she's struck by the sudden blue of her eyes.

She's standing at the reception dinner with Kathryn, all of them just sort of standing around together awkwardly, introducing themselves. She can tell right away that Lily recognizes Kathryn, by the way her smile relaxes some, looks a bit more genuine, the way her hand lingers just a bit too long in Kat's.

And it takes a moment of prompting -- "Mountview, drama classes every Saturday morning," -- before Kathryn realizes who she is and Megan feels suddenly very much the outsider. It's obvious that they've already got something between them, a history of sorts, even though Megan can't recall Kathryn ever mentioning a Lily. It makes her feel uncomfortable and out of place.

It isn't until Lily turns to her says, "Hello, nice to meet you," that Meg snaps back to attention, takes Lily's outstretched hand in her own, shaking it a bit too eagerly, introduces herself.

She finds herself looking into some of the bluest eyes she's ever seen and she's quite sure that she must be blushing violently, from how hot her face feels right now, but she just can't look away, even when her hand drops to her side. And then Lily goes back to chatting with Kat, asks her how things are going, and Megan can't be bothered to stick around; looking around, she spots Kaya off to the side talking to some of the boys -- she can't remember their names, she's shit with that sort of thing -- and decides to go off and join them.

Later, she can't find either Lily or Kat.

Her sister and Lily are outside, it turns out, both of them having a smoke, leaning on the railings along the walkway outside the restaurant, Lily looking out at the city, Kathryn with her head tipped back, eyes closed, blowing smoke up into the sky. She has half a mind to go out and join them, half fancies a fag herself, decides not to when she sees how Kat glances over at Lily, how close their hands are on the railing.

;;

She doesn't say anything about it, not even later when they're sitting in their hotel room watching telly, except for, "Well, they seem like a nice lot, don't they?"

Kathryn nods absentmindedly, more focused on the football game they're watching. "Yeah," she says, after some time, "yeah, they seem alright. I was a bit worried, you know? That we wouldn't get on. But I think that's not going to be an issue."

Megan makes a sound of agreement from her bed, lying back against the pillows, feeling suddenly very worn out. She stifles a yawn, stretches her hands up over her head. Kat turns, asks her if she wants to go to bed, because she'll turn the telly off, but Megan yawns and shakes her head again, because it's fine, really, she can sleep with it on.

It doesn't really matter, because twenty minutes later they're both in bed with the lights off, except for the glow coming from their mobile phones on the nightstand. Megan, despite being rather exhausted, finds she can't sleep, so she says, because she knows Kathryn's still awake, "How well do you know Lily?"

There's a pause, and Kathryn says, almost resigned like, "Not very well. I mean, we took drama classes together, but that's all. We didn't talk much back then."

"She dyed her hair, didn't she," Megan comments. "I mean, it took me a while, but I like, vaguely recognize her from that play that your class put on at the end of the summer. You remember it, right? Can't even remember the title, I just know that Mum and Dad made me go see it."

Kat laughs. "Right."

"It wasn't half-bad though, I don't think."

"You didn't even watch it, as I recall. Just sat there texting."

Megan grins, says, "Yeah, well, sorry. You were good anyway, Kat. Lily was too," she adds, after a moment.

Another pause, then Kat says, quieter, "Yeah. I don't really remember."

There's something in the way that she says it which makes Megan feel odd, like it's not quite right, like maybe she does remember it and she just doesn't want to talk about it. She wishes she could say something, but she doesn't know what; what could she say, anyway, that wouldn't make her sound like a right twat. Seventeen years of being Kathryn's sister has taught her that sometimes it's best to just let things be, to not press the issue.

But she's still thinking about Lily and her sister, much later, after Kathryn's fallen asleep.

;;

For the next two weeks, Megan spends an absurd amount of time wondering who it is that Kathryn's going to be snogging, and she's not even sure why exactly she cares so much, but she rules out it being either Kaya or Lisa, based off what they've told her about their characters, and comes to the unfortunate conclusion that it must be Lily.

After getting ice creams one evening, when it's still light out, she asks Kat who she thinks she'll be kissing. It's obvious from the way Kathryn avoids her eyes and doesn't say anything right away that she's spent time thinking about this as well. And Kat looks rather unhappy and embarrassed, so Megan laughs it off, because that's what she's good at.

"It'd be right funny if you ended up snogging Lily, yeah?" She says, watches the way Kathryn forces a smile and a laugh, as vanilla ice cream drips onto her charcoal capris.

"Yeah," Kathryn says, as Meg licks her spoon and tosses that and the cup away into the bin a few feet over. "Yeah, that would be funny."

The night they get monumentally fucked up in their hotel room, lie on Megan's bed together just staring up at the ceiling and laughing; she even feels good enough to listen to Kathryn's crappy electro-pop (or whatever the fuck it's called, Megan doesn't know any music genres other than pop, rock, and shitty rap played at underground clubs) bands, when Kat plugs her iPod into the speakers.

"I really, really don't care," Megan tells her, running a hand through her hair as she exhales, the smoke from the spliff still burning in her lungs; she feels like she's flying.

"About what?" Kat asks lazily.

"I don't even know," Megan says, and laughs. "Just like. You and I. You and Lily. Lily and I. It's all like -- whatever, you know?"

"You're really fucked up, aren't you, Megan," Kat sighs, and Megan wonders if she means the drugs or the alcohol or maybe both or maybe she's referring to something entirely different. She doesn't think it matters either way.

;;

Despite near perfect table reads, when it comes time to like, actually shoot all of her scenes, she manages to fuck everything up marvelously, ends up having to do about a dozen plus takes of each scene, because she can just _not_ get it right.

Kaya laughs when she fucks up for the fifth time while trying to get out of the line _like, don't talk to her, she tried to snog my sister in middle school_ , because it sounds retarded, her trying to say it with her fucking stupid _lisp_.

She feels her face grow hot and starts apologizing profusely until Kaya tells her, "Don't worry about it, yeah? At least it didn't take an hour to figure out how to stop on a certain spot like Kathryn, yeah?"

"Fuck off," Kathryn chuckles behind her, not at all offended, and even Lily cracks a smile at that.

;;

By the third episode, Megan's pretty much figured out that Kathryn's going to end up snogging Lily at some point -- she mentally corrects herself: _Emily_ will end up snogging _Naomi_ \-- and it's not surprising, really. No one knows anything for sure yet, of course, because the scripts are sometimes still being re-written by the time they've started filming, as has been unfortunately discovered.

When she mentions it to Kathryn, Kat just grins and says, "I'm looking forward to it, actually."

"Of course you are," Megan says, rolling her eyes and giving Kat a heavy sigh. "But knowing you, you'll probably like, totally freak out once the time comes."

Kathryn sticks her tongue out at her. "Well, we can't all be like you, Meg, willing to stick our tongues down on co-star's throat."

Megan flushes and says defensively, "That was in the script, okay, it was supposed to be like that," which just makes Kathryn laugh; Meg shoves her playfully. Then, changing gears, she says, "So, have you uh, talked to Lily about it yet? I mean, it's going to come up eventually -- probably, anyway -- so you two should probably like, I don't know. Sort out your issues or whatever."

"I don't think Lily's caught on quite yet," Kathryn says, smile fading a bit. "She's a bit, well. She can be rather daft sometimes. Doesn't uh, get hints."

"All the more reason to go talk to her," Megan says, flopping onto her bed, and pulling her iPod out of the front pocket on her sweatshirt.

Kathryn rolls her eyes at that, says, 'Whatever," but she grabs her hotel key off the table by the door and leaves anyway.

;;

Kat's still gone an hour later and Megan assumes she and Lily probably went out somewhere, since Kathryn can't sit still for more than ten minutes. There's nothing on telly though, and she's fantastically bored. She texts Kaya, asks her if she wants to go like, shopping or whatever; Kaya doesn't respond.

;;

Later that evening Kat arrives back at the room, and despite looking a bit tipsy, looks really no worse for wear, and it's strange, the few times she actually sees her sister performing _any_ measure of self-control.

"Did you get things sorted?" She asks, looking up from her magazine.

"Did you just stay in all day?" Kat responds with a question of her own.

At the risk of sounding like a gigantic loser, Megan says, "Yes."

"There you go then," Kat says with a giggle, and manages to kick off her trainers before climbing into bed beside Megan and falling asleep against her shoulder.

;;

When Megan reads the script for the fourth episode, she finds herself rolling her eyes at everything, because really, this is so fucking typical.

Katie gets to pash with her tosser boyfriend while looking utterly ridiculous, while Emily gets this nice, touching scene with Naomi, all about discovering her emotions or whatever. It's not like she's jealous, not really, because she adores playing Katie, likes playing a bitch, but it's not fair that Kathryn, again, is at the center of everything nice and lovely and she's off being a slag.

(It really shouldn't bother her as much as it does, she thinks.)

They all watch, when Lily and Kathryn act out the kiss scene. Meg knows they've probably been rehearsing this scene for a few days now, just them and the director, but Kat still looks horribly nervous, while she and Lily are standing there waiting for the lighting to be fixed. She'd like to go over and say something to Kat, maybe like, wish her good luck, but it sounds stupid, even to her, _good luck snogging Lily, hope it works out_. Kathryn's got plenty of experience kissing girls, anyway, she doesn't need to be told to do it right.

On the third take, she notices the way Kathryn licks her bottom lip, before leaning in, and it's only then how suddenly aware she is of life imitating art, because for fuck's sake, Kat actually _means_ this.

;;

She, Kaya, Lily, and Kathryn end up smoking outside together later that afternoon, passing around a fag because only Kaya remember to bring her cigarettes with her today and she hasn't got enough for all of them. They sit on the driveway to Pandora's house, Megan feeling a bit like a movie star, since they've all got nice like, chairs to sit in with their names on the back. She mentions at much and they all laugh, because really.

"So how was it, Loveless?" Kaya asks, taking a long drag of the fag before passing it over to Lily. "Did you enjoy snogging Miss Kathryn?"

Lily flushes a bit, rolls her eyes. "It was okay," she says, poking Kathryn in the ribs and grinning at her. "I've had better, though."

"Liar," Kat says and steals the cigarette from her.

"Is she always like this?" Lily asks Megan, leaning over. "Always so up-herself?"

Kathryn snorts and says, "Like Megan can talk. Hello, pot? This is the kettle ringing you."

They all laugh again and Megan waves off the fag that Kathryn offers her; it goes back to Kaya who finishes it off, flicks it away lazily.

"Honestly, though," Megan says to Lily later, when Kat's gone off to the bathroom and Kaya's wandered off to go talk to Pass and Jack. "Was it like, weird, snogging my sister?"

Lily shrugs, puts her hands up; _no idea_. "It was different," she says thoughtfully, after a moment. "Not like, different in a bad way. Girls are like, softer than boys are. Anyway, your sister's quite a good kisser." She winks and Megan rolls her eyes, sticks her tongue out in mock disgust.

"Gross."

Lily laughs, the sound light and vivacious; it makes Megan's stomach flutter. "Sorry."

;;

Kathryn and Lily spend more time together than anyone else on set. It makes sense, of course, Megan thinks reasonably, since they have so many scenes together and all that. They've bonded, at any rate, more so than anyone else, and she can't help but feel a little jealous at how close they seem. Granted, she thinks, they've got a history together, even if they weren't really all that close to begin with (so she assumes, anyway, from what Lily's told her, about being shy and Kat being the center of attention, as usual).

She considers asking Kathryn point blank if she fancies Lily, but she knows that a) her sister would never tell her anyway, and, b) Kathryn's so daft she probably hasn't even realized that she's been fawning over Lily since day one. Besides, she thinks it's rather obvious that Kat _does_ fancy Lily, from the way she lights up every time Lily manages to text her or how she's always finding some way to touch Lily (a hug here, a hand on an arm there). It's at times like these that she can't even bring herself to be even a tiny bit jealous of Kat, because it's so like, little-kid like, the way Kathryn is just smitten with Lily.

Adorable, she thinks, and it feels odd, associating the word _adorable_ with Kat, but she can't think of anything else more appropriate, and it's pretty much the truth anyway.

;;

She's pretty much one of the only cast members who actually bothers with going to college.

Kathryn makes a few half-hearted attempts at first, on making the commute back and forth between Bristol and London when her schedule allows it, but gives up after two weeks, telling Meg that it's just too much work and isn't really worth the effort. She gets her friends to forward her class notes and assignments and just does her work in the hotel room (which isn't very often, Megan notes, somewhat disapprovingly, though she's not surprised in the least).

Kaya's been getting privately tutored -- or so she says, anyway -- for a while now and Jack and Lily are already out of college and neither of them are bothering with uni. Lisa's the only one of the bunch who regularly manages to go to class, but it's only because she actually _lives_ in Bristol.

Megan doesn't mind the traveling back and forth so much, if only because it gives her a chance to be away from Kathryn, which is a blessing in itself, because after having to spend twelve or more hours a day with her, practically every day of the week, she's about ready to strangle her. Besides, the trips back and forth on the train give her time to do her coursework or memorize her lines.

It's not so bad, really, and surprisingly, she and Kat are managing to get on better now than they ever have before. She attributes that change to a few things, first and foremost being the presence of one Lily Loveless, who Kathryn is obviously smitten over, and, subsequently, always on her best and charming behavior. Kaya's not too bad either, Megan thinks; she's usually hanging out with her anyway, since Katie is still laboring under the delusion that she and Effy are like, totally best friends.

At least she and Kaya have things in common, she thinks, when she sees Lily and Kathryn hanging out together, which is odd enough, because off-set the dynamic between them is completely different, with Kat being the loud and outgoing one and Lily still a bit shy and just following her around. Then again, there's the issue with Lily and Kathryn having a history together, drama classes and all, and she figures that's probably how they manage to get on so well -- that, and their character's respective storylines -- because she can't imagine them like, actually being friends in real life.

Or under normal circumstances anyway, she thinks, though Lily is certainly nice enough and she gets why Kathryn likes her, with her brilliant blue eyes and infectious laugh.

;;

It occurs to her, probably much later than it should, that Kathryn probably doesn't even know that they both fancy girls, has probably just assumed that Meg's the straight one of the family. Megan, somewhat bitterly, thinks that it's unfair of Kat to make that sort of assumption; just because she doesn't snog girls in public and bring home a different one each weekend, doesn't mean she doesn't fancy them.

And then it occurs to her that Kat's probably right to assume, because she's never actually offered up any information to the contrary. She would like to tell Kathryn that she fancies girls a lot, sometimes more so even than blokes, but she doesn't. She not quite sure why she doesn't, because she knows that Kat wouldn't give a fuck either way. But every time she thinks about saying something, her stomach twists into apprehensive knots, enough to make her feel like she's going to be sick.

She thinks, it's not quite fair, because once again, it feels like she's in Kathryn's shadow, that she's just going along with it because Kat is so inclined. She knows it's not true, but she knows how it would look, but she still feels like a right hypocrite when she says to Kat, on the train, "You should tell Mum and Dad."

Kathryn starts to cry then, like she's only just figured it out, and Meg hugs her, pats her awkwardly on the back and whispers things like, _it's okay, it's okay_ , until Kathryn pulls away and wipes her noses on her coat sleeve, looking fucking pathetic.

By the time they get to Bristol, Kat doesn't look any worse for wear, though she turns to Megan anyway and says, "Thanks, really," and it catches Meg completely off-guard, because she wasn't doing anything special, really, she was just being her sister, and she doesn't know how to respond to that except to smile and shrug. Whatever.

Lily says hello to her, flashes her a bright smile, and Megan feels her breath catch in her throat, feels incredibly guilty about it two second later, because fucking hell, Kathryn's half in love with Lily and she shouldn't feel the same. And she can't stand thinking about it all day; when she fucks up her line for the fifth time during rehearsals, Kaya leans in, asks if anything's wrong.

She can't say, _I feel like shit because I think I'm starting to fancy the same girl as my sister_ ; instead she shakes her head, insists that she's okay.

;;

One evening, when Kathryn and a bunch of the others have gone out to get pissed, since they've got tomorrow off (about fucking time, they've been filming all week and everyone's exhausted, their nerves fried), Megan finds herself alone in the hotel room. She'd opted not to go out, under the pretense of having to review for exam later this week, but she'd refused because she if she had to spend one more moment with Kathryn before Monday, she'd probably punch her right in the face.

They'd been snapping at each other all week, even getting into a rather loud argument the morning earlier, due to Kathryn having used up all the hair conditioner and not even bothering to say anything about it.

"PMT, probably," Kaya had said, after allowing Megan to rant about how Kathryn was such a lazy and insensitive twat, and Meg agreed somewhat grudgingly.

It explained a lot, though, especially why she's suddenly been so randy these past few days; she remembers reading something in _Cosmo_ about it, once, thinks about that while she undoes the button on her jeans, slips a hand down between her thighs. It doesn't explain, however, why she finds herself unexpectedly thinking about Lily while she wanks off; imagining it's _her_ (Katie) kissing Lily (Naomi), all soft touches and tongues brushing against lips, makes her come faster than she ever has before.

Terrifically hard, too, she adds silently, hips jerking still jerking slightly against her own hand, trying to catch her breath.

She debates the meaning of this while she showers afterward, decides that it was a only a one time thing. Which is, okay, fine, as far as she's concerned. She doesn't think she'll have to actually start worrying -- it won't actually be like, a problem -- until if or when it happens again. (She's half-hoping it won't be an issue, and half-hoping it _will_ , and she's not even sure why.)

;;

She starts spending more time with Kaya, if only because she's trying to spend less time thinking about Lily.

;;

"Do you like her?" She asks, when she and Lily are out for a smoke, Kathryn off speaking with the director about one of their upcoming scenes. "My sister, I mean," she clarifies, when Lily gives her a curious look.

"Yeah, Kathryn's alright," Lily says, with a non-committal shrug of her shoulders. "I mean, we get on well enough."

Megan wants to say, _that's not what I meant_ , but decides not to. She finishes her cigarette, flicks it away casually, passes Kathryn as she's heading back inside, forces herself to not look over her shoulder.

;;

Kathryn's drunk.

Of course she is; she can't ever go to a club without getting completely off her tits, as if it's some sort of personal rule or something. She rolls her eyes as she watches Kat down her fourth martini and dance in closer to a blonde lass that looks at least five years older than her.

"Fucking hell," she mutters, and Lily looks at her over her strawberry daiquiri, raises her eyebrows. She adds, "Nothing, it's just. Kathryn. I hate that she always gets so pissed and then I have to end up being her keeper."

Lily sounding surprisingly sober, says, "You care about her."

"Duh, Loveless," Megan says, doing another shot of tequila and grimacing. "I mean like, she's my sister."

Lily smirks at her and Megan resists the urge to roll her eyes again, especially when they both look over and see Kathryn kissing the blonde now, just right out there in the open. "Christ," she murmurs, glances back over at Lily, who suddenly has taken a great interest in her drink, is looking down at and playing with her straw, swirling it around. Meg bites down on her bottom lip, silently debates the merits of going over and pulling Kathryn away as opposed to just sitting here and watching her make a twat out of herself.

In the end, she decides that she can't make that sort of decision, because if Kat wants to fuck things up, fine, whatever. And anyway, Kathryn will most likely be right pissed at her if she goes up there, because she's probably counting on fucking that blonde slag later.

"I need a fag," she says, standing up, looks pointedly at Lily and continues, "join me?"

It comes out sounding less like an invitation, but Lily shrugs and gets up, glances back over at Kat before she turns to Megan and says, "Yeah, come on, let's go."

Outside, they lean against the cement wall of the club, where Lily lights Megan's fag for her and the two of them stand in silence, blowing smoke up at the sky, which the bass from inside the club echoes like a dull, throbbing sound. Meg looks over at Lily, whose face is completely blank, not giving anything away.

She says, after some time, "You alright, Lils?"

"What?" There's a moment where Lily looks confused, like she forgot she wasn't alone. And then she says, "Yeah, fine. You?"

"Cool," Megan says, takes a long drag of her cigarette.

There's another agonizingly long moment between them, where Megan wishes she could say something, but doesn't know what, because she doesn't think saying something like, _sorry my sister is such a stupid cow_ will solve anything. And Lily doesn't say anything either, which isn't surprising.

"Well," Megan says, finally, once she's finished her second cigarette and is getting cold from standing outside without a coat on.

"Well," she says again, and drops her fag to the ground, crushing it out with the heel of her black leather shoes. "I should probably be getting back inside, yeah? Don't want Kat to like, think I've run off somewhere without her."

(Not like Kathryn would care; she's probably in one of the stalls of the dingy club bathroom right now, with her mouth on the blonde's neck and her hand between her legs. Meg grimaces at the thought.)

"I should go, I think," Lily starts slowly, like she's not quite sure, and maybe it's because Meg's tired of Kathryn being a twat or because she's a bit drunk or because the look on Lily's face -- like, defeated and hopeless -- but she can't stop herself: she pushes Lily back against the wall, knuckles scraping against the cool cement, and kisses her roughly.

It lasts longer than she expects it to; quite frankly, she'd expected Lily to shove her away, tell her to fuck off, anything _but_ what she actually does, which is to kiss her back, hook her fingers into the belt loops on Megan's jeans and draw her in closer.

And _then_ it ends, with Megan breaking away first, taking a step back, as Lily, eyes still closed, says, " _Wow_ ," sounding spectacularly dazed.

"Sorry," Megan looks down at her shoes, feeling like a right fucking idiot, her face hot. "Sorry, I didn't mean like -- well, it's not that. Sorry, sorry."

Lily swallows, runs a hand through her hair, like she's trying to recover from the shock of being kissed, and it only makes Meg feel even worse. And then when she's about to duck back inside the club, because she _cannot deal with this_ , Lily says, "Don't be sorry. It was nice."

Again, not what she was expecting. "Yeah?" She asks, perking up a tiny bit and hating herself for it.

"Yeah," Lily says, opening her eyes and meeting Meg's gaze, licking her lips slowly. Then, "But, uh, let's not mention this to Kathryn, yeah? I mean, we're both drunk; people do stupid things all the time when they're off their faces. I just mean like, there's no point in telling Kathryn."

"Right," Megan says, and forces herself to smile, even though her heart has dropped to the bottom of her stomach. "Yeah, of course."

"Besides," Lily says, slurring the _s_ a bit at the end. "It's not like it's going to happen again."

"No, of course not," Megan says, and kisses her again anyway.

;;

"I should go," Lily says, a little while later, and there's something in the way she says it that makes Megan's stomach twist into knots, like Lily just wants to be rid of her. She takes one last look at the club says, "I'm going to call for a taxi. Tell Kat I'll see her tomorrow, yeah?"

Megan manages a nod, keeps her smile even, leaves a second later to head back inside, leaves Lily still leaning back on the wall outside the club. She doesn't actually know how drunk Lily is or if she even meant what she said -- _it was nice_ \-- but she wills herself not to think about it any more tonight; opts instead to do three shots of vodka at the bar before wandering off to find Kathryn.

She bumps into her coming out of the bathroom, looking rather pleased with herself; through the closing door, Meg can see a blonde standing at the sink, fixing her hair.

"You're so fucking obvious," Meg sighs. "At least wash the lipstick off your face, you fucking twat."

"Jealous?" Kat's grin is smug.

Megan wants to say, _you have no fucking idea_. What she really says is, "What, of you being a fucking slut?"

Kathryn just laughs.

;;

It's completely fucked up.

Some nights she can't help it at all, wanks off thinking about Lily, the way she relaxed when Megan whispered in her ear, "It's okay, it doesn't mean anything," and kissed her back. She knows that Lily was completely off her tits when it happened, that it'll never happen again, but it doesn't stop her from thinking about Lily's clear blue eyes when she comes. That, or the softness of Lily's lips, tugging on the belt loops of Meg's jeans, pulling her in closer, or how she tasted like soda and rum.

It's times like these when she's more than grateful that not only do she and Kat have separate rooms, but they're also not right next to each other, because she can't bear the thought of moaning Lily's name a bit too loudly and having Kathryn overhear.

She can bear even less the thought of Kathryn doing the exact same thing, wanking off under her cotton candy pink sheets and powder blue duvet, biting her lip and turning her face into her pillow to try and muffle the sounds she makes. The whole thing makes her feel very awkward indeed, more so than she's comfortable with; she feels sick.

Not like it stops her, of course, from doing it again, though she still feels just as guilty when she comes, wishes that she could just _stop_ doing this, because it's just too fucked up. But the wetness between her thighs and on her fingertips betrays her real feelings, and she can't help snaking a hand down beneath her knickers, stroking roughly until she gets herself off a second time, tells herself it'll be the last time.

(It won't be, but it's okay, she can lie to herself for tonight so that she can look herself in the mirror tomorrow morning.)

;;

Meg thinks, maybe if she tried, she could fancy Kaya instead. Or maybe not Kaya or anyone else in _Skins_ , just, _anyone_ , anyone who isn't Lily Loveless, because honestly, she's sick of feeling guilty all the time, like she's somehow personally responsible for the fact that Kathryn can't get her act together and just tell Lily straight out how she feels.

Or at least kiss her, because, fucking hell, how pathetic is her sister.

;;

It's one of those rare nights where Megan accepts Kaya's offers to come to a club with her.

Kathryn and Lily are invited too and the four of them somehow manage to squeeze into the back of a taxi without too much effort. Lily offers to split the cost with Kaya who shrugs it off and says, "Really, I wouldn't have invited you all if I wasn't going to pay for the taxi. And anyway, you can all spot me for drinks and we'll call it even, yeah?"

Megan is proper pissed by eleven-something, though she feels less bad about it because everyone else is too. Kathryn, like every day ending in 'y,' is chatting up some blond in the corner, her hand resting casually on the girl's arm. Megan would roll her eyes, usually, but she's more focused on Lily, who is actually rather friendly when drunk.

Lily's arm snakes around her waist, pulls her in closer with a giggle, and Megan feels a sudden rush through her, basis indeterminable, at the closeness of their bodies. She swallows hard, stands on tiptoe and says in Lily's ear, "I'm going to uh, get something to drink," leaves Lily to her own defenses on the dance floor.

Kaya's sitting at the bar nursing a Strongbow. Megan slides into the empty seat beside her, orders two shots of vodka; she downs them both in quick succession when they arrive, wipes her mouth on the back of her hand, orders a Strongbow for herself.

"Right, what's up with that then," Kaya says, taking a sip from her bottle.

"What do you mean?" Megan glances over at Lily, who seems to be getting on just fine without her, has got some random bloke pressed up against her from behind, his hand on her hip. Megan feels the slightest twinge of anxiety -- or jealousy, maybe -- at the sight.

Kaya doesn't bother to answer her question, just says, "Kat wanted me to let you know she's preoccupied at the moment, so don't go looking for her."

Megan shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "Of course."

They lapse into silence, both of them sipping their drinks.

Finally Kaya says, "She's not very quiet about it, is she?"

"Who, Kathryn?" Megan looks down at her hands, looks down through the mouth of the bottle of Strongbow. "Yeah, no, she's rather obvious. And not very careful, either. I mean like, our parents don't know -- about her, I mean -- and she certainly doesn't take any precautions to keep it a secret." She grimaces, takes a long swig of cider. "The odd thing is, she _wants_ it to be a secret, that she fancies girls. She's such a bloody twat."

"It's kind of cute," Kaya says and Megan snorts at that.

"No, it's just stupidity."

"She's a charmer though, isn't she?" Kaya says, and looks over pointedly. Megan follows her line of vision, sees Kathryn coming out of the bathrooms with a blond in tow, their fingers threaded together. Her sister is so fucking stupid, Megan thinks, she doesn't even realize that at some point people are going to recognize her, when the show airs, especially with her candy red hair.

"Yeah, well, that's my sister," Megan says glumly, finishes her drink a moment after Kaya does. "She could probably get any girl she wanted, if she actually _wanted_ to. I think her current goal is to fuck every platinum blond this side of the Atlantic."

"I think she fancies Lily," Kaya says, in a conversational tone, and Megan starts, almost drops the bottle she's holding.

"Why would you say a thing like that?"

"Just an observation." Kaya's face is completely blank, neutral. "For starters, she keeps looking over at Lily and that bloke with an incredibly pained expression on her face. I think she's jealous."

Megan blushes, for no reason other than the look on Kat's face is exactly how Kaya's described it and fucking hell, that's probably what she herself looked like only a few minutes later. It's like looking into a goddamn mirror, she thinks. Even more so than usual.

"You fancy her too, don't you Megan?"

The question catches Megan completely off guard and her stomach drops and she can feel her face growing hot. "No," she says, but it's such a fucking lie and they both know it. Kaya gives her a smile that is unnervingly Effy-like, all knowing and mysterious.

"God, you're really like, the same person, aren't you," she says.

"I'm _not_ the same as her," Megan says, feeling like she's going to throw up, and how pathetic is that, life imitating art. (Though it's all mixed up and backwards; she's the weaker one, the follower; she's just _that_ twin, the other one, constantly being compared to Kathryn.)

Kaya shrugs, says coolly, "You haven't denied fancying her, though."

;;

She and Kathryn end up leaving before Lily and Kaya do, and it's in part because Megan couldn't stand to be there, Kaya looking at her and just _knowing_. She's hurried her away soon afterward, gave Kathryn some bullshit excuse for why they had to go. She was sick, she said; she needed Kat to bring her home.

Kathryn had been surprisingly compliant, though Megan hadn't missed the way she'd glanced back over her shoulder at Lily as they'd headed towards the exit.

Outside, Megan rings for a cab, while Kat digs around in the pockets of her leather jacket for fags and a lighter. She manages to produce one of each, lights up, takes a long drag, offers it to Megan who inhales deeply, hands it back to her. She blows the smoke out up at the sky, says, "Who was that blond?"

"Can't remember her name," Kathryn says, sitting down on the curb.

Megan sits down beside her, tucking her mobile back into her pocket.

"For fuck's sake," she sighs, plucks the smoldering cigarette from Kathryn's fingers, takes a lazy drag of it. "Get it together, Kathryn."

"Fuck off, Megan," Kathryn slurs, reaches for the fag, makes a half-hearted attempt at trying to grab it back.

;;

"So, I heard Lily has a boyfriend now," Kaya says to her one day while they're eating lunch.

"Oh?" Megan asks, turning a page in the magazine she's reading, before briefly glancing over at where her sister and Lily are off at their own table together, alone. "Who told you that?"

"Pass. Who apparently got told by Lily herself," Kaya takes a long swallow of her Diet Coke before continuing on. "Anyway, so, I hear it's one of the crew members' son. Don't know who exactly, but apparently he asked her out a couple of weeks ago; she didn't want to tell anyone about it at first, I guess."

Megan says, quietly, "Oh, well, that's good for her then, yeah?"

She looks back over at Kathryn, who's laughing, probably at something Lily said. She wonders if Kat knows and then feels a tiny pang of some sort of mix of guilt and sympathy, because her sister can be such a twat, yes, but it's probably going to break her heart, when she finds out about Lily.

;;

"Did you know?" Kathryn asks her on the train three days later, while Megan's trying to review for a psychology exam she has in two days. "Did you know that Lily had a boyfriend?"

"I only heard about it a few days ago," she says, trying to concentrate, though the combination of the train speeding along and the tiny print in her text book are both making her sick and giving her a massive headache. "Kaya told me."

"Oh," Kat says, is quiet for a long while before she says, much softer, "Lily told me today, after shooting. Introduced him to me and everything. He's . . . a nice enough bloke, I guess."

Megan looks up, meets her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, totally fine," Kathryn says, suddenly sounding much brighter. "Totally cool. I think it's great, you know? I mean, Lily's awesome and all and, and. I'm happy for her."

Megan sighs, closes her book. "You don't have to pretend with me, Kathryn."

"Who's pretending?" Kat takes out her iPod, purposely making a show of putting in her headphones and turning up the volume, and Megan sighs again, rests her head against the cool glass of the train window and tries to fall asleep.

;;

"Right, so, about that time," Meg starts to say, when they're on break, and Lily just frowns and shakes her head.

"We're not going to talk about it," she says, tossing away her fag and striding off.

;;

They get the script for the sixth episode.

She's barely in it, but whatever, she's so busy with college and coursework that it actually seems like a blessing, to be getting less screentime. It's not until she's halfway through that she reaches the part where Naomi and Emily fuck by the lake; she wonders if Kathryn has already read the script, what she thinks. She sends Kat a text; the response is: _yeah, i read it. a bit nervous._

Meg thinks, it's going to be horribly awkward, seeing something like that, her sister and Lily undressing each other, Kat trailing kisses down between her breasts, her stomach. She thinks, she's going to have to leave the room when that scene comes on, and even though it's months away from actually airing, she feels disgusting just thinking about it. Kat and Lily -- Emily and Naomi, right, not her sister and goddamn Lily Loveless -- fucking.

"You sure you're okay with it," she says to Kat later, when they're sitting on the couch watching re-runs of _Doctor Who_.

Kathryn shrugs. "Whatever. It's just acting, yeah?"

"Yeah, but I mean like. Well, it's a sex scene. Have you actually read the staging directions? And I mean like, well, I can't imagine doing something like that, fucking a girl on screen --"

"It's not _fucking_ ," Kat says, sounding angry. "It's making love, okay? Fucking is what like, you -- Katie -- does. It's not what Emily and Naomi do, because it's love, okay? It actually means something."

"Fuck off, Kathryn," Megan says, and rolls her eyes, changing the channel. "It's just a programme. Don't take it so bloody seriously."

;;

The scene goes remarkably well, according to Kat, who apparently almost got hypothermia from jumping into the lake, which Meg finds terribly funny. Also, Kat says, the whole lovemaking scene was much easier than she'd expected it to be -- not like she was nervous about it, of course, because Kaya told her it would be no big deal, and besides, they'd gone over it dozen of times in rehearsal before.

"Well, I'm glad it worked out for you then," Megan says from her closet, where she's changing into pyjama bottoms and a tank top. "So like, are you actually going to be able to watch the scene, when it finally airs?"

Kathryn laughs, falls back against the pillows on Meg's bed. "Oh my god, no, no. It's too embarrassing to even think about it."

"Probably should think about telling Mum and Dad about it, then," Megan says, joining her on the bed. "I mean, whatever, you don't have to, but they're going to find out eventually. And anyway, they're going to see that scene, because you know how they are, they'll want to watch every episode, and I really think you should _say something_ to like, warn them."

"I'm fine as is, thanks," Kat says, avoids her eyes. "And will you fuck off about me telling them? Why do you care so much, anyway?"

"I don't, I just -- "

"I'll tell them when I'm ready, okay? Why do you keep pressuring me about this?"

"Fucking chill out," Megan says, pushing herself up and off the bed, going over to her vanity to brush her hair. "It was just a fucking suggestion, okay? There's no need to get so bloody defensive about it."

"I'm not," Kathryn says, and looks like she's going to cry.

"Right," Megan says, softening a bit, but not be able to turn around and face Kat, only being able to watch her through the mirror. "Right," she says again, and puts the brush down. "Of course you aren't."

Later, in bed, she'll go over the conversation again, wonder just what the hell is going on, exactly, because Kathryn is turning into a complete stranger, right before her very eyes. Kat, who was always so confident and self-assured, who never cared about snogging girls in public, would tell people to go fuck themselves if they ever said anything to her. And suddenly now, Meg realizes that this may actually be the _real_ Kathryn, that maybe it's less of life imitating art and more of art imitating art, and Christ, she is not nearly ready to be thinking about these sort of things.

And because she can't sleep, she wanks off for as long as she can, before her legs and wrist start cramping up horribly, and doesn't even give a fuck if she's thinking about Lily the whole time she does it.

;;

They go out and get fish and chips for lunch, just her and Lily, because Kathryn's back at the studio filming scenes with Ollie and they've got a lot of time to kill before they even have to go in for makeup. Lily smothers everything with ketchup and Megan makes a face at that, because she likes her condiments in small doses, thanks. Lily just grins.

"So, how're things," Megan asks, after they've been eating for some time in contended silence.

"Good," Lily swallows, takes a large gulp of water. "You?"

"Fine. How's your boyfriend?"

Lily shrugs, stuffs five chips into her mouth at once. "Okay, I guess," she says. "I mean, good. He's nice."

"So I've heard." Megan downs the rest of her water, folds her hands and rests her chin on them, elbows propped up on the table. "So how are you and Kathryn?"

Lily eyes her. "She's your sister, isn't she? Shouldn't you already know?"

"Amazingly, Kat doesn't exactly like to open up to me. We're not really that close," she explains, because for once Lily does look genuinely confused, as if she really thought they were, that they got on better than they actually do. "So it'd help, you know, if she was like, I don't know. If there was something wrong, I hope that you'd tell me."

Lily shrugs, looks down at her food. "I don't even think she'd tell me, honestly," she says, after a moment. "She confuses me, mostly. I know we're friends and all, but sometimes it feels like she's keeping me at arms' length, you know? And I never know what she's thinking. I mean, some of the things she says -- does -- I don't know if she's serious or not."

For a second, Megan seriously considers telling Lily flat out that Kathryn actually _is_ serious, that she's fallen spectacularly hard for Lily, only they're too daft to know it. The whole idea is absurd though, telling Lily, because fucking hell, Meg doesn't even know if Lily knows that Kathryn fancies girls in general.

Besides, she doesn't know if she'd be able to say it without bursting into tears.

;;

"So I'm going to hit you with a rock," Kaya tells her, tossing Megan's script over to her.

Megan, trying to fall asleep on the couch in the girl's dressing room, because she's fucking _exhausted_ , just spent the past few days traveling back and forth between Bristol and London and reviewing for an exam which she's fairly certain she did terribly on.

"What the hell are you talking about," she grumbles, sitting up and rubbing her eyes, stifling a yawn.

"Look at the script," Kaya tells her, points at the one lying beside Megan on the couch. Megan flips through it, while Kaya goes on. "We all get high, you and I fight, I hit you with a rock. And then I go shag Pass. Freddie."

"Effy's a right bitch isn't she?" Megan says. "This is going to suck to film, you know. It's barely gets warmer than 3 degrees here at night and it's going to be in the woods. Gross."

"I'm rather worried about it," Kaya confesses after a moment and Megan looks up, surprised, because Kaya actually _sounds_ worried. Kaya says, "Well, it's my first like, _real_ episode, you know? That's what it feels like, anyway. And I'm afraid of fucking things up marvelously."

Megan says, "Whatever, Kaya, you're like, the most experienced and talented person out of everyone here. You haven't got anything to worry about."

;;

They rehearse the fight scene with the director, and Megan can barely get through half of it before she bursts into fits of giggles. The sixth time they fuck it up, Kaya glares at her and Megan apologizes quickly, even though she can't help it. The whole idea is just ridiculous, Katie beating up Effy like this, and then Effy just hits her with a fucking _rock_.

Around noon they've finally managed to come up with a performance that's passes for acceptable. Kaya is still irritated about it though, Megan notices, and subsequently she slips off to go find Kathryn and Lily, because honestly. It's just a fucking programme.

She can't help but start to stress over her and Kat's episode though, even though they haven't gotten the script for it yet, but Christ, if _Kaya_ can get like this while filming her own episode --

"Relax, Meg," Lily tells her, biting into her sandwich. "Kaya's just very professional, is all."

"Yeah, I figured as much," Megan says, looks over the room at Kaya, who's going over her script for what it probably the hundredth time of the week, headphones in, a half-empty bottle of water on the chair next to her. "It's a little scary."

" _Kaya's_ a little scary sometimes," Kat comments, and she and Lily both laugh at that, and Megan has the distinct feeling that she's being somewhat left out here, as if there's something she's not quite getting.

It's even worse when Lily says, to Kathryn more than to her, "Do you remember that time when -- " and launches into a story about something that happened to them at drama class two, three years back, and Megan has no idea what they're talking about.

She always sort of feels like this, an outsider, when she's around Lily and her sister.

;;

One night she's drunk, her and Kaya are in the bathroom of a pub down the street from their hotel, and Kaya's at the sink washing her hands when suddenly Megan blurts out, "I kissed Lily, once."

It feels remarkably good, to just _tell_ someone.

Kaya looks at her with dark eyes. She doesn't say anything, but the corners of her mouth twitch upward into a smile, and it's a terribly pleasing acknowledgment of what Megan had just said. She's overcome with the feeling that she's actually accomplished something, comes back to the hotel grinning like an idiot.

Kathryn looks at her like she thinks Meg's gone a bit mad, but she doesn't ask any questions, just turns her attention back to the book she'd been reading.

;;

She waits for someone to say something about it, about her ridiculous crush on Lily, but no one mentions it at all, and it's a bit shocking, because she was so sure that Kaya would have told at least _someone_. But it never gets brought up at all and she hasn't even gotten any odd looks from anyone, so eventually she resigns herself to the fact that Kaya's probably just really good at keeping secrets, something Meg is extremely grateful for.

"Thanks," she tells Kaya one day, while they're on their way to makeup. "For not telling anyone, I mean. And anyway, what I said -- I was drunk. And I don't mean like, when I told you. I mean when I . . . when _it_ happened."

"Whatever," Kaya says flippantly, and Megan wonders if she should feel a bit offended.

;;

Kaya never mentions it again, thankfully, and no one but her has seemed to picked up on the fact that both the Prescott twins are rather enamoured with Lily, which Megan thinks is just fine, for several reasons, one being people would probably start making all sorts of disgusting threesome jokes if they were to find out.

(That reason alone is enough for Megan to work very hard to be less obvious about fancying Lily, though forcing herself to spend less time with her, particularly since they've got an unfortunate amount of scenes to rehearse together for Emily and Katie's episode, is like torture, and it isn't fair, really.)

;;

She sees them one time, Kathryn and Lily, joking around by the lockers before anyone else is on set; Lily knits her fingers into the front of Kat's shirt, presses her against the lockers and says "I can't stand it," before they both dissolve into a fit of giggles.

And then they catch their breath and just _look_ at each other, and it's just too much.

She walks back to make-up, waits for Luke to be done.

By the time she's back on set, the crew is there fixing the lighting and the sound, and the camera angle, and she doesn't even want to be here, doesn't want to watch this scene, but they're shooting the Love Ball scene after this, and they'd all been called in.

Everyone except Kaya and Jack, Megan thinks.

Lily and Kat get the scene right the first time; all the flirting and meaningful looks, the wanting between Emily and Naomi about to boil over, because there's just so much _there_. And she knows Kathryn's not acting, not even a bit, and she doesn't know what hurts more: the fact that Kathryn can actually like, be herself or the fact that Kat can do it and actually make it look _good_.

They shoot the scene again anyway, for the sake of camera angles, then again, and when Charles calls cut and they're lining up to do the fourth take of the scene, Megan leaves, because she can't stand to watch it any more. She tells Pass she's going out for a fag.

"Makeup will kill you," he tells her.

"Fuck makeup," she says, leaves without a backwards glance.

;;

Kaya invites her out later that night; she accepts, tells herself it's because she's got nothing better to do.

;;

She's not surprised to see Lily dancing with Kathryn, a few hours later, when the whole lot of them are proper pissed, because they've got Sunday off, the first time this whole month.


	2. Chapter 2

They probably think that she can't see them, is what goes through her mind first, when they kiss off to the side of the club, in some dark corner.  
  
She's well aware of how Kathryn loses all sense of her surroundings when she's drunk, of how little inhibitions she has. She doesn't know about Lily, doesn't know her quite that well. But there they are, Lily up against the wall, Kathryn, one hand on Lily's hip, kissing her.  
  
She feels a tiny pang of guilt, like she's watching something she shouldn't be, but she can't look away, not until Kathryn steps back (it feels like forever) and Lily opens her eyes, looking well dazed. And then a kind of anger settles in her, because honestly, they shouldn't be doing this like this in public, not when they haven't even finished filming the first series yet, not when they've got reputations to maintain.  
  
It doesn't stop her from watching when, again, Kathryn kisses Lily, and this time, Lily kisses back, Meg can see that even from where she's sitting, the way Lily's hands settle on the small of Kat's back, draw her in closer. Anger is replaced rather suddenly by a twinge of jealousy, at how blissfully unaware they seem to be.   
  
She downs her drink, heads back over to the bar and does another five shots, all right in a row, something she regrets later, when she's drunker than Kathryn and Lily put together, when a surprisingly sober Kat bids goodnight to Lily, helps Megan up to their hotel room. In the lift, Kathryn smooths back Megan's fringe, kisses her forehead, which is what they always do for each other, when either of them is completely off their tits.  
  
A sisterly sort of bond, they've got, Megan thinks, and it sends her into a fit of giggles as the doors open on their floor.  
  
"What's with her?" Kaya asks, looking up from the telly when they both stumble into the room, Kathryn tossing their purses aside, untangling Megan's arm from around her neck, shoving her onto the bed (which sends Meg into another bout of laughter).  
  
"Nothing, she's just fucked up," Kathryn says, and Megan watches her shrug out of her denim jacket, reach down and pull off her high heels before sitting down on the edge of the bed with a sigh. "We're both fucked up, actually, us and Lily."  
  
Kaya snorts. "Good luck getting up early tomorrow for shooting."  
  
"Fuck off," Megan and Kathryn mumble at the same time and Kaya's wide grin makes Megan's head hurt even more.  
  
;;  
  
She wakes up to Kathryn kicking at the mattress.  
  
"Fucking wake me up like a normal person," Megan grumbles, reaches for her glasses next to the clock on the nightstand, because she can't be arsed just yet to put in contacts. Sitting up, her stomach lurches, and she feels like she's going to be sick, but the feeling passes a moment later and all she's stuck with is dry mouth and a pounding headache.  
  
Kathryn, coming out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in hand, a bit of toothpaste foam on her lip, says, "You look like shit, you know," before heading back in to spit into the sink.  
  
Megan feels too bloody awful to say anything in response and besides, she probably  _does_  look like shit; pictures herself with mussed hair, wrinkled clothes, bloodshot eyes, still with last night's makeup on and smelling like sweat and alcohol. She shoves Kathryn out of the bathroom with grumble, tries her best to make herself look at least somewhat presentable.  
  
(She wonders how Kat does it, getting so off her tits night after night.)  
  
;;  
  
It has become something of a regular thing, where at least one of them goes around knocking on everyone else's door and asking if they'd like to come out for drinks. Kaya's the worst offender of them all, in part, Megan thinks, because she's the most experienced one of them all, that she knows her limits and how much she can drink that night if she has to get up early the next morning. It doesn't help that Jack and Pass are up for anything at any time, which Megan thinks is horribly encouraging.  
  
Kathryn goes out more often that she does; usually she begs off on any invitations, because she doesn't particularly enjoy getting pissed every night of the week. It's not usually worth the massive headache she always winds up with the next morning, at any rate.  
  
She takes a little solace in the fact that Lily doesn't go out much either; too bad whenever Lily  _does_  go out Kathryn's either hanging all over her or pointedly ignoring her. Even when Kat's not there, she hangs like a dark cloud over everything. Megan would like to say something, but what could she say anyway --  _I wish that when we talked it didn't feel like you were too pre-occupied with thinking about Kat to have a normal conversation._    
  
Right.  
  
Megan usually goes out when Lily goes out, a pattern that Kaya, but apparently no one else, has picked up on; whenever Kaya wants her to come to some club or a pub with her, she always mentions that Lily's going to be coming as well. It's a bit -- or, well, a  _lot_  -- pathetic, she thinks, because she's like a some schoolgirl with a ridiculous crush.   
  
It's probably one of the few things her and Kathryn have in common, she thinks, albeit somewhat bitterly.  
  
;;  
  
Kaya says, "Come out; Lily and your sister already said they were coming tonight."  
  
Megan accepts, grudgingly, because on one hand she wants to spend time with Lily, but on the other hand, she's not excited about knowing that tonight Kat's going to dominate the evening, as usual.  
  
Kathryn's not even in the room; Megan meets her outside the hotel, standing off to the side with Lily, the two of them sharing a fag. Lily's laughing about something when Kaya and Jack arrive a few moments later, and Megan's glad of it, because she can't stand to look any more at the pleased expression on Kat's face.  
  
Jack says, "Let's call a taxi, yeah? Kaya will pay," which earns him a punch in the arm from Kaya; he laughs it off.   
  
They crowd into the backseat. Her next to Lily, who's next to Kathryn. She watches, as Kat's hand creeps over, until it's covering Lily's. Lily's face is neutral, but Kathryn looks like a moth who's reached the moon; grinning with ridiculous happiness. Their legs are incredibly close together, knees almost touching. Megan feels like she may be sick.  
  
No one else seems to notice.  
  
;;  
  
" _Veronica Mars_ ," Megan tells Lily later in the bathroom, leaning against the sink while Lily's washing her hands.  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
"That thing, that Kathryn calls you," Megan says, feeling very drunk. "You know, 'soda-pop' or whatever. It's from  _Veronica Mars_. A line from it, actually, which I think might be a line from something else. A uh," she struggles to find the phrase. "Pop-culture reference. Pretty sure it's from like, the first episode. That's the only one I ever actually watched with her."  
  
Lily looks down at her hands, but Megan can see through the mirror, turning, that she's smiling. "Cute."  
  
"Pathetic, more like," Megan scoffs.  
  
"Jealous?" Lily's tone is playful, but Megan bristles at it anyway.   
  
"No."  
  
Lily shuts off the water, moves past her to the paper towel dispenser, starts drying her hands. "Whatever, Megan, it's cool. I'm only joking, obviously."  
  
"Right.  _Obviously_."  
  
"Aw, come on Meg," Lily says, tossing the paper towel into a bin and taking a step closer. She can smell the alcohol on Lily's breath, peppermint schnapps, and she licks her lips subconsciously. "Don't get all upset about it. We're only having fun, yeah?"  
  
"Yeah, okay." And then, before she can help herself, "I want to snog you again."  
  
She flushes the instant after she says it, feels her face grow unbearably hot, and Lily looks at her like she's confused, like she doesn't really know what Megan just said. She doesn't step back, doesn't move at all, but Megan lowers her eyes and stares at the hem of her shirt, feeling horribly embarrassed and stupid.  
  
Lily says, after what feels like ages, "Well, it was rather nice, wasn't it? When we snogged, I mean." She slurs the whole thing something awful and Megan wants to cry, because Lily doesn't even mean it, she's only saying it because she's drunk off her face.   
  
But instead of being sensible, she looks up and says, "Then why don't we do it again?"  
  
There's a moment of hesitation and then Lily says, "Yeah, all right," and she's dangerously close now and, and --  
  
The door opens and Kaya waltzes in, unfazed, even though Megan's gripping Lily's arm and Lily's still leaning in, eyes closed, mouth half-open expectantly. She shoves Lily off, takes two steps back, says to Kaya, "This really isn't what it looks like. Just so you know."  
  
"Okay," Kaya says, starts re-applying her make-up at the sink.  
  
"I -- " Megan turns back to Lily, who's staring at her with glossy eyes, and for fuck's sake, she's incredibly drunk. Megan feels a pang of guilt at the thought and she can just feel Kaya's eyes on her, watching, studying her, and so she says in a loud voice. "Right, well, I'm going to go call for a taxi."  
  
She makes a purposefully big show of leaving, doesn't even say anything when she passes by Kathryn downing shots at the bar. It's only later, when she's sitting in the taxi does she send Kat a text telling her she's gone home, feeling sick and all that. It's a straight-out lie, but whatever, Kathryn doesn't need to know the truth. She ends up texting Kaya too with  _don't say anything, yeah?_  to which Kaya's reply is  _wasn't planning on it. and lily doesn't even know what happened._  even though Megan hadn't asked about that.  
  
She manages to make it upstairs before she has to run to the bathroom and throw up, her throat burning and tears stinging in her eyes. God, she's so fucking stupid and she could have just -- well, she could have just fucked up things even  _worse_  than they already were. She doesn't even allow herself to think about what would have happened if Lily had actually kissed her, or if Lily had really meant what she'd said.  
  
Kathryn doesn't come home that night. Megan''s really not surprised at all.  
  
;;  
  
They go out.  
  
Megan does tequila shots with Kaya and Jack at the bar; Lily and Pass are off dancing. Kat's off in the corner, chatting up a blond. It's the usual, Megan thinks, especially when, five minutes later, Kathryn's kissing that same blond.   
  
Jack says, "Oh, what's up with that then?"  
  
Megan waves it off, orders another round of shots for the three of them. "She's just pissed. She gets like that."  
  
"Interesting." Jack raises his eyebrows, glances back over in Kat's direction. "It would probably be in my best interest not to bring it up when she's sober, yeah?"  
  
"She'd probably deck you," Megan smirks, downs the contents of her glass.  
  
She scans the dance floor, looks for Lily; she's dancing with a decent looking bloke with dark hair, her back to him, one of his hands on her hips. she's not even remotely interested in him, though, Megan notices. She's looking at something else. Megan follows her line of vision; she's watching Kathryn.  
  
Megan feels sick, her stomach twisting into knots.  
  
The feeling only intensifies, when the song ends and Lily pulls away from the guy she's with, doesn't even look back as she moves through the crowd, crossing the room until she's next to Kat. Megan watches as she says something to Kat, watches as Kathryn turns to the blond she'd been chatting up earlier; whatever she says, it's enough to get the girl to leave.  
  
She's still watching when Kat takes a step closer, reaches out and rests a hand on Lily's arm; it's light, tentative. The space between her and Lily is horribly small --  
  
She looks away.  
  
;;  
  
Ten minutes later Kathryn squeezes in beside her and Kaya, orders three shots of vodka.  
  
"You alright?" Megan asks, because Kat looks on the verge of tears.  
  
"Yeah, fine," Kat mumbles, downs her shots quickly before slipping away again.  
  
;;  
  
"Don't fuck her up," Megan says, while they're standing outside waiting for a taxi.  
  
Lily doesn't say anything for a bit, just reaches into her purse for her pack of cigarettes, taps out a fag, lights up. She offers the box to Meg, who turns it down; she's not really one for smoking, anyway, only really took it up because Kathryn did. Because that's how it's always been; if Kathryn likes something, she decides she likes it too, no matter how stupid. Fucking twin . . .  _thing_ ; she doesn't know why she always feels like they have to do everything together. It just seems to make sense that way.  
  
Finally, Lily says, "I don't know what you're talking about, Prescott," in a flat, even tone.  
  
They both know that she's lying, and it's painfully obvious. Megan wants to just shake her, to tell her to be careful, because Kathryn is . . . well, she doesn't know. And she thinks that's the whole point; she doesn't know if anyone understands Kat, let alone Kat herself. She wishes that she could say that to Lily, to tell her that it's not that she minds, really, it's just that she doesn't want to see everything get fucked up.  
  
Instead she says, "Right," just as the taxi pulls up and Kathryn comes bounding out of the club, having found her coat.  
  
;;  
  
She catches Kaya looking at her sometimes; it's an intent sort of look, like she's studying Megan or whatever.   
  
Meg doesn't say anything about it at first; a week later, when they're in the girls' dressing room together, Kathryn and Lily having fucked off to go have a smoke before the table read, Lisa off talking with Ollie, she sees Kaya looking at her again.  
  
" _What_ ," she snaps, lowering her magazine and raising her sunglasses, and Kaya doesn't break her gaze, just sits there across the room, completely still.   
  
"You should talk to Lily," Kaya says at last, and of course, it's the last thing Megan wants to do, which is probably why she says it in the first place. Kaya has a knack for saying things like that, something which Megan finds both incredibly insightful and mature, but annoying.  
  
"I'm not talking to her," she tells Kaya, a minute before Kathryn and Lily come back into the room, laughing over what is probably some private joke between them; Megan can barely even stand to be around them sometimes. Megan grips her magazine as Kathryn slides into the space beside her on the couch, as Lily sits down next to Kat..  
  
She can't even look at them.  
  
She catches Kaya's eye; Kaya smiles back.  
  
;;  
  
Lily says, "Do you like me, Prescott?"  
  
Megan chokes on her water. When she's managed to stop coughing, she says, "Yeah, of course. Why?"  
  
"Dunno," Lily shrugs, lights around fag, takes a long, slow drag of it. "Just wondering, I suppose. I sometimes get this, I don't know. A  _vibe_ , I guess, that you don't want me around."  
  
"Trust me," Megan says, as she tosses her empty bottle into a nearby bin. "I like you just fine."  
  
;;  
  
She comes back from Starbucks one evening to find Kathryn gone and Kaya sitting on her bed, watching some show on telly that Megan doesn't recognize.  
  
"Where's Kat?" She asks, shrugging off her coat and hanging it up in the closet by the door.  
  
"Out," Kaya says, flips to another channel. "She said that I could just stay in here until you got back. Said you wouldn't mind."  
  
"I don't," Megan says, takes a sip of her coffee, winces when she burns her tongue, as Kaya nods slowly in response.  
  
She takes another sip, just as Kaya turns to her, looks at her with intense blue eyes.  
  
"Do you want to fuck?" Kaya then asks, as casual as all that, and Megan nearly chokes on her coffee.  
  
Once she stops coughing, she stares at Kaya, disbelieving. " _What_?"  
  
Kaya shrugs, lounges back on her bed, and Meg thinks she looks incredibly like Effy all of a sudden, all cool and nonchalant, with her endlessly long legs and too short skirt. "Just asking. I thought maybe since Kathryn and Lily are . . . out, that you'd want to do something."  
  
"And somehow you came up with  _that_?" Megan can't help but gape at her.  
  
Kaya grins. "Well, why not? You fuck girls too, don't you Prescott? Just like your sister. Besides, I'd like to try it. You know, going to bed with a girl."  
  
"I'm not a fucking experiment," Megan says and rolls her eyes, only slightly offended. "Besides, what in the world makes you think that it's you I'd like to fuck anyway? I mean, you've got a pretty high view of yourself, don't you think? Maybe you're not my type."  
  
"I already know that," Kaya says, with just the slightest hint of a smile. "I know exactly what your type is."  
  
Megan flushes. "Shut up."  
  
Kaya smiles at her in an infuriatingly knowing way at her, slides off the bed and with two steps is standing in front of Megan, looking rather smug. "It's okay, I won't tell." She presses a finger against her lips, mockingly.   
  
"Christ," Megan says, and moves towards her bed, sitting down on the edge of it. "You must be on something."  
  
Kaya sits down beside her, presses a kiss to her shoulder; Megan flinches, pulls away quickly. Kaya frowns, says, "Come on, don't be disagreeable." She doesn't sound angry at all, just bored, like this is an every day sort of thing for her. "There's nothing wrong in having a bit of fun, yeah? We'll get fucked up and fuck."  
  
"I'm not fucking you," Megan says flatly, trying not to think about Kaya's fingers tracing small circles on the small of her back; her shirt suddenly seems remarkably thin. "So could you please just -- "  
  
She's cut off by Kaya leaning in and kissing her. It's the softest, slowest kiss she can ever remember having, with anyone; Kaya sucks lightly on her bottom lip before pulling away, looking very much pleased with herself. "You liked that," she says, very matter of fact, and Megan resists the urge to roll her eyes, because Christ.  
  
"Well, alright, yes," she mutters, looking down at her hands.  
  
Kaya kisses her ear, before shifting, and suddenly she's straddling Megan, cupping her face in her hands and kissing her again, and Megan thinks, she looks much frailer than she is, because Kaya is kissing her hard enough to bruise her lips. It goes on forever, the kiss; when Kaya pulls away, looking a bit flushed, Megan pulls her back in.  
  
She really should not be doing this, she thinks, as she allows Kaya to press her back down onto the bed and, still straddling her, undo the buttons on her navy blue blouse, with a clearly practiced ease. She thinks about maybe pushing Kaya off her, telling her to go fuck off, because this is not who she is. She's not  _Kathryn_ , she doesn't just fuck any girl who looks at her for more than five minutes, not the kind of girl who fucks someone because they're horny and pathetically in love with someone who doesn't even give her the time of day.  
  
Kaya opens her mouth as if to say something, fingers hovering over the buckle of Megan's belt, poised to undo it, and Megan shakes her head violently, says, "Don't talk," and Kaya grins and keeps going.  
  
"Fuck," she murmurs, when, jeans and shirt and underclothes are off and lying discarded on the floor, Kaya slips a hand between her thighs and presses two fingers into her. She's so wet, almost embarrassingly so, but fuck, it has been far too long since she's done this, has spent most of the year wanking off about Lily Loveless, and Kaya's fingers are right  _there_  and she knows exactly what to do, it seems.  
  
Kaya smirks, takes one of Megan's nipples into her mouth, sucking hard, working it with her tongue, and Megan groans and tangles her fingers in Kaya's hair, wanting more. Kaya kisses her roughly, kisses her way down Megan's stomach, not once stopping or slowing the movements of her hand.  
  
She kisses the inside of Megan's thigh and slips one of Meg's legs over her shoulder before pressing her tongue flat against Meg's clit. Meg lets out a strangled "Jesus," and digs her heel into Kaya's back, as Kaya's tongue moves in quick, sharp strokes against her.  
  
It's so wrong, all of this, letting herself be fucked here in the hotel room she shares with Kathryn, not even on her own fucking  _bed_  for fuck's sake, while her sister and Lily are out doing God knows what; she knows Kat well enough to think, if only for a fleeting moment, that she's probably got Lily pinned to the wall in the dark corner of some club, kissing her recklessly.  
  
"It's okay," Kaya says all of a sudden, and Megan looks down at her, at her lips and chin shiny with wetness and suddenly feels ridiculously embarrassed.  
  
"What," she manages.  
  
"If you want to pretend I'm her," Kaya says, and fucking hell, her fingers have not stopped  _once_  and it's pathetic how she's still arching her hips into Kaya's hand. "It's okay, I don't mind."  
  
"Fuck off," Megan says weakly, not even being able to keep her eyes open, with what Kaya's hands are doing to her; two fingers inside her, two more on her clit, stroking slowly but purposefully.   
  
Kaya shrugs, replaces her fingers with her mouth, tongue working roughly, and Megan clutches at the sheets with one hand, while gripping Kaya's head with the other, edging her on further and further, and fuck, she's  _so close_ ; Kaya surely knows, from the way she slows her movements, and Megan lets out a small cry of frustration, desperately seeking release.  
  
Kaya moves upward, kisses her aggressively, propping herself up on her elbow and knees; her hand snakes between both their bodies, fingers sliding against Megan's clit, and it's much too much, tasting herself on Kaya's tongue, the way her hair falls into her eyes, such a brilliant blue that reminds Meg of --  
  
She comes, hard, shuddering and digging her nails into Kaya's shoulder, hard enough so that when Kaya pulls away a few moments later, she can see little crescent shaped marks, a dull red color in stark contrast with Kaya's pale skin.  
  
"So," Kaya says, after a good long while, when Megan's finally managed to catch her breath.  
  
"So fucking what?" Megan stares up at the ceiling, refuses to look at her.  
  
A pause. "So nothing," Kaya says, after a bit, doesn't seem offended at all that Meg's being such a bitch to her after fucking her good and proper. Then, "I guess you were wrong."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Wrong about fucking me, I mean," Kaya says, and Megan doesn't even have to look over to know Kaya's got a satisfied smirk on her face.  
  
Megan sighs. "Whatever."  
  
They're quiet for a very long time after that. She thinks maybe she should get up and get dressed, but what's the point, because it's only ten-thirty and Kathryn and Lily won't be back for hours (if they get back at all, Megan thinks rather glumly) and besides, Kaya doesn't seem to mind. It's not like she's embarrassed anyway, because after shooting a scene where she straddled Pass topless, nothing bothers her anymore.   
  
(Very much unlike Kat, she thinks, who is nothing short of a whore normally but gets embarrassed at the mere mention of any of the scenes where she was in some state of undress.)  
  
Kaya shifts beside her with a small sigh and Megan looks over to find Kaya staring straight at her, with her too blue eyes framed by what Megan considers to be an excessive amount of black mascara and eyeliner. She wishes that she could say something, but nothing comes to her, and what does it matter anyway, because anything she  _could_  say would just sound stupid. Again, she thinks about getting up, getting dressed, going out and getting completely fucked up.  
  
Instead, she rolls over and kisses Kaya.   
  
And it's not remarkable, kissing Kaya, but it's nice enough and Kaya is a good enough sport about it, doesn't complain when Megan's hands slide under her dark gray top and cup her breasts through her bra, thin enough for her to feel Kaya's nipples harden under her palms. Fuck, she thinks, and then Kaya arches up into her, presses their hips together and Megan doesn't allow herself to think any more about the fact that if her sister and Lily do come back to the hotel tonight, they'll probably go to Lily's room.  
  
Kaya makes an appreciative sound, when after an incredibly long and slow amount of foreplay -- Megan running her tongue along every curve of Kaya, all the while letting her fingers drift from stroking Kaya's nipples to tracing along the inside of her thighs -- Megan slides her fingers against Kaya's clit, dips her fingers inside and is pleased to find that Kaya is completely soaked.  
  
"Please," Kaya says quietly, and Megan realizes there's been a slight role reversal, if only for the moment, because the cool and collected front that Kaya generally tends to put on (which makes her an insufferable amount like Effy; sometimes Megan can barely stand to be around her) is gone, replaced by someone much more warm and real: Kaya, lying on the bed, flushed and sweaty, twisting and arching beneath her touch; she can already feel herself growing unexpectedly wet for the second time that night.  
  
She finds herself grinning as she kisses Kaya's thigh before settling between her legs, gripping her thighs and pressing another open-mouthed kiss to Kaya's cunt. Kaya lets out a small hiss and tangles her fingers in Megan's hair, and Megan takes that as a command for  _more_.  
  
It's been a bit of a time since she's actually gone down on a girl (most times she's fucked girls was in the locker room after school, pressing them up against the lockers, pushing their skirts up, and slipping a hand down the front of their knickers, fingering them until they came, always with a gasp that she muffled by firmly kissing them), but Kaya doesn't seem to mind at all, and after a few hesistent licks she's gotten the hang on things, sucks hard on Kaya's clit while working two fingers in and out of her.  
  
Kaya moans her name when she comes and it's incredibly hot, hearing someone say her name like that, and it's just too much, wetness coating her own thighs, the taste of Kaya in her mouth. She reaches down to try and relieve a bit of the want that's been building up inside her, but Kaya grabs her hand away, says, "Let me," in a low, throaty voice, and Megan closes her eyes and tries again -- and fails, horribly -- not to think of Lily as Kaya gets her off for the second time that evening.  
  
"You're not going to tell anyone," Megan says later, pulling her shirt back on, sans bra, and it's not a question, just a statement, because she's not going to plead with Kaya to keep quiet about this.   
  
"Of course not," Kaya says good-naturedly, still lying naked on the bed, and Megan feels like such a teenage boy, but she can't help but keep sneaking furtive glances over at Kaya, with her long legs bare, the curve of her calves, and how her hair is just everywhere, around her shoulders, framing her face, all dark hair and blue eyes and pale skin and fuck, Kaya's rather gorgeous.  
  
(It makes her feel a bit better about fucking her, knowing that it least a) it wasn't just some random fuck with a stranger in a club, and, b) Kaya's completely worth fucking.)  
  
When Kaya's still there, an hour later, Megan looks over at her from the other bed, putting the telly on mute, and says impatiently, "Don't you think it's time for you to go back to your own room? Or at least put some fucking clothes on, you twat, because Kathryn could be back any minute."  
  
They both know that's a lie -- it's only eleven thirty; Kathryn's never back before midnight, not on nights like this -- but Kaya sits up anyway, reaches over and begins to pick her clothes up off the ground, re-dressing slowly.  
  
"Want a fag?" Kaya asks, going over the armchair near the balcony, getting a half-empty pack of cigarettes out of her purse and tapping one out for herself.  
  
Well, why not, she thinks, says as much, and Kaya hands her one silently. They both light up outside on the balcony, keep the sliding glass doors open -- Kaya's suggestion, says it smells too much like sex in the room, which makes Megan blush stupidly -- looking out at the city.  
  
An easy silence settles over them, and Megan thinks, okay, this is nice enough, just them and the city and the stars, and it's so different from when she and Lily are alone together, because with Lily, there's always  _Kathryn_. Even when she isn't there, her presence hangs over them like a fucking -- Meg doesn't even know, just something unspoken. She can't feel that here, not with Kaya, and it's nice for once; she finally feels like she's her own fucking person, like she's finally got something that's all hers.  
  
"Are we going to do this again?" She asks, surprises even herself with the question.  
  
Kaya flicks the end of her fag over the railing, gives her a small, knowing smile. "Only if you want to."  
  
;;  
  
As it turns out, Meg  _does_  want to.  
  
She chalks it up to hormones, because hell, she's barely fucked anyone since  _Skins_  started filming, has spent the vast majority of her time doing coursework for college, memorizing scripts, and wanking off about Lily Loveless, all while trying to actually get her sister and Lily together (which is the thing that confuses her most of all, she shouldn't even care what happens between them, but sometimes she can barely bring herself to be jealous of Kathryn, because bloody hell, Kat follows Lily around with such an obviously love struck look on her face, it's almost sickening).  
  
It starts to become almost a daily thing, her at Kaya fucking, and God, she's so pathetic really, but she's really missed being gotten off by something  _other_  than herself, and Kaya is, apparently, an incredibly fast learner, because she's already figured out three ways to get Megan to come incredibly hard in a matter of minutes. It helps, too, that Kaya is more than willing to let Megan return the favor, and sometimes when she's got her mouth and fingers between Kaya's legs, she's actually thinking about  _Kaya_  and not Lily at all.  
  
(She considers this a massive improvement in her well-being, because really, there's no sense in just sitting around moping about Lily, when it's clear that Lily has no interest in her. Or so she tells herself.)  
  
They go shopping a lot too, which is something Megan hasn't done with Kathryn in years -- not since they were in primary school, anyway; they stopped dressing similarly  _ages_  ago -- and frankly, Megan considers it  _almost_  as good as fucking Kaya, because the girl's got incredibly good taste and they actually like the same brands.  
  
It's fun, also, to see Kaya pose for her, in ridiculously short dresses, which are really more like big shirts Megan thinks, because some of them leave absolutely  _nothing_  to the imagination, and all she can do is stare at Kaya's legs and the way the dresses Kaya loves to wear generally tend to show just a hint of the curve of her ass. Sometimes Kaya lets Megan fuck her in the dressing room, usually if there are other people around, because Kaya is absolutely filthy. And other times she just smirks and doesn't let Megan get any further than a quick kiss, which is even better, really, because she'll spend the rest of the day wet and completely on edge, thinking about undressing Kaya later in her bedroom and fucking her good and proper.  
  
"I really enjoy fucking you," Megan says one afternoon, after she's just gotten Kaya off for the third time that day -- once in the dressing room at the Gap, another time at a cafe where they'd stopped for coffee, because she hadn't been able to control herself, not with Kaya's foot sliding up and down her bare calf, and then once again, finally in Kaya's bed -- and Kaya gives her a wide smile.  
  
"Really," she says, looks rather amused.  
  
Megan flushes a bit, says, "Yeah, well, you're fairly good at it, I mean. For a straight girl."  
  
"I'm not straight, obviously," Kaya says.  
  
" _Mostly_  straight then, have it your way," Megan says good-naturedly.   
  
Kaya rolls over onto her side, traces small shapes on Megan's stomach with a long, slender finger; it tickles a bit, but mostly just feels nice, and it's remarkably calming. She's about to drift off to sleep, when Kaya whispers in her ear that she would like to fuck her long and slow in Megan's bed for once, and it's enough to wake her up entirely.  
  
"No," she says, looking over at Kaya and shaking her head. "No, we're not doing that."  
  
Kaya looks confused; it's the first time Megan's actually seen her looking like that, because she always seems to have all the answers, as least as far as Meg's concerned. "Why not?"  
  
She doesn't really know why not, just feels generally sick when she thinks about doing that sort of thing, but she says, "Because my door doesn't have a lock on it and I don't want Kathryn -- or God forbid, my parents -- walking in on us."  
  
It sounds pathetic, even to her, but it seems good enough for Kaya, who shrugs and begins to suck on Megan's ear, fingers drifting over to her nipple and tweaking it generally.   
  
Megan groans, says, "Fuck Kaya, I can't take any more, I'm exhausted," but she doesn't stop Kaya's hand from moving from her tit to her thigh, sliding inside, fingers moving in long, slow strokes.  
  
;;  
  
"You know, it's okay," Kaya says one morning while they're in the girl's dressing room. They haven't got any scene together, not with the finale and her and Kathryn's episode having absolutely nothing to do with each other, but the directors have decided to save time by doing table reads for both episodes at the same time (which makes things complicated for Pass and Ollie, but is completely fine for everyone else).  
  
"What's okay?" Megan unscrews the cap of her bottle of water.  
  
"Us fucking," Kaya says plainly and Megan chokes on her water, ends up coughing for about three minutes solid until she manages to compose herself again.  
  
She glances around quickly, whispers furiously, "What is  _with_  you, could you please not bring something like that up where anyone with ears can hear you?" And Kaya just laughs and smiles widely, in a way that shows too much teeth and makes Megan feel uneasy.  
  
"I'm just letting you know," Kaya says, completely un-fazed, "that us fucking doesn't mean a thing. So don't like, feel guilty about it or whatever."  
  
"I don't," Megan says, lying totally un-convincingly.  
  
Thankfully Lisa ducks in just then to let them know that people are waiting for them so that they can start going through their respective scripts. Meg seizes the opportunity to leave, before Kaya can continue this discussion.  
  
;;  
  
They see each other less, after her and Kathryn have finished shooting their last episode of the series, when Kaya is still stuck in Bristol with the others, working on the finale. Kaya sends her a text every evening, asking how she is, and that's as far as communication goes between them, because Megan can be arsed to put in the effort needed to call, and besides that, she doesn't know if Kaya actually wants to talk to her that evening.  
  
The next two and a half weeks are probably the most she's ever seen Kathryn at home, which surprises her, because she was sure that Kathryn would want to take advantage of now having loads of free time. As Kat tells her though, lying on her bed and doing coursework for the first time in ages, her college has taken her back, so she's got to catch up on all she's missed before exams come around.  
  
"Have you seen Lily?" Megan asks, trying to show a bit of interest and Kathryn looks down at her textbook pointedly and says, "Not really, no, but we're both busy, so it's to be expected, yeah?"  
  
"I was thinking of ringing up Kaya and Lily," Megan picks at her nails. "Maybe inviting them over for like, I don't know. Just sit around and get fucked up, like usual. Or we could actually like, do something for once. Go to the cinemas."  
  
"There's nothing good to see," Kathryn sighs, uncapping her highlighter and running it across two lines of her notes. "Anyway, I'm pretty sure Kaya's busy and all with school like us. Dunno about Lily; she's probably on holiday or whatever. I don't know."  
  
"Well, I'll ring them anyway," Megan says hopelessly.  
  
She doesn't, though, because there's really no point.   
  
;;  
  
One evening she's up late watching the latest episode of  _The Inbetweeners_  on her laptop, briefly considers sending Kaya a Facebook message and asking what's up, decides in the end not to, because whatever, Kaya hasn't texted her in a bit and she's probably busy and she doesn't want to seem like, fucking needy or whatever. Kaya will call when she wants to; she's sure about that.  
  
She's sore from sitting up in bed. She stretches her arms up over her head with a yawn, turns her laptop off and sets it aside on her nightstand. She's not tired, not really. She thinks about maybe wanking off to help herself fall asleep; she hasn't done this is in so long, she thinks, as she works her hand under the waistband of her knickers and pyjama bottoms, her free hand sliding up to cup her tit, thumb stroking her nipple through her tank top in time with her fingers moving against her clit.  
  
It takes her longer to get off than usual. She's not very wet either, only a little bit, and it's rather jarring, because it's almost never like this for her and she doesn't know what's caused this change. She tries to focus on one thing, like Kaya's tongue between her legs or how Lily tasted when they'd had their one -- and only, she can't help but think -- kiss; neither helps, really.  
  
She comes weakly and it's completely unsatisfactory, but her wrist is sore and she doesn't feel up for another go. It's fucking hot in her room, probably because Kathryn's always turning on the fucking heating before bed; she kicks off the sheets and blankets, sticky with sweat. Her mouth is dry; she sighs and sits up, leaves to get a glass of water from downstairs.  
  
Down the hall Kathryn's door is closed; as she passes it she hears something resembling a stifled moan and fucking hell, it's really awkward to think that Kathryn's off wanking as well, especially when it's most likely Lily that she's thinking about. She wills herself very hard not to think about it, because the last thing she needs is her tired mind to try and cue up some sort of visual to go with that sort of thinking.   
  
She drinks her water purposefully slowly, hopes to God that Kathryn's finished by the time she goes upstairs again, because it's just too weird hearing her sister wanking off like that. Even weirder that they're doing it at nearly the same time and thinking about the same sort of things. She shivers at the thought, disgusted, decides that tomorrow morning she is going to call Kaya, because she needs to get fucked properly.  
  
Upstairs again, she doesn't mean to, but she slows down a bit as she walks past Kat's door. There's a different sort of sound that she hears this time, sounds more like muffled sobs and Christ, she thought  _she_  was the most pathetic one in this family, but apparently not, because Kat's just gone from wanking off about Lily to fucking  _crying_. It's almost unbelievable, really; Kathryn must be drunk or high or  _something_.  
  
In bed, she still can't sleep. She grabs her mobile off her desk, stares at the screen for a moment, texts Kaya, doesn't even care if she wakes her up.  
  
;;  
  
One day Megan comes over and completely out of the blue, Kaya says, "What would you say if I asked you to fuck me like you thought I was her?"  
  
Meg flushes, then feels a sudden rush of annoyance. "What kind of stupid fucking question is that?"  
  
"Just a question," Kaya says, her face absolutely neutral. "What would you say?"  
  
"I'd say that I could never fuck you the way I'd fuck her," Megan says. Kaya frowns at that and the spark of anger in Meg is replaced suddenly by one of smug happiness, that she'd answered in a way that Kaya didn't like. It feels good, she thinks, having the upper hand on Kaya for once.  
  
It turns out Kaya is poor company when she's angry though, all sullen and moody and altogether rather irritating, and Megan doesn't really want to fight, because she's horny as fuck -- had a dream last night where Lily had pushed her up against the wall of some club's bathroom, had kissed her until her lips were bruised, her knee pressed between Megan's legs the whole time -- and anyway, she wants to go shopping later and Kaya's the only one who actually like, likes the same stores she does.  
  
She climbs up beside Kaya, kisses her ear, neck, fingers, until Kaya sighs, turns of the TV, and without a word, pushes Megan onto her back, her fingers working to undo the button on Meg's blouse, while Megan undoes her jeans.  
  
;;  
  
"How long are we going to keep this up for?" Megan asks, her heart still pounding, as Kaya trails kisses along her shoulder and arm, her fingers smoothing back Megan's fringe.   
  
Kaya sighs, kisses her once lightly on the mouth, wraps an arm around Megan's waist. "As long as you'd like, really."  
  
"I don't want it to go on forever," Megan says. She tries to be firm about it, but it comes out sounding weak, even to her. "I mean, it's nice and really, I love fucking you. And I really like being your best friend. But I don't know if this is . . . right. Sometimes I just feel like -- well, I think that -- "  
  
"You think too much sometimes," Kaya says, and moves to slide her hand between Megan's legs, but Megan pulls away with a frown, curls up her side with her back to Kaya, taking the blankets with her. Kaya sighs deeply behind her, and Megan can feel the bed shift as she rolls over as well.   
  
It's probably only twenty or so minutes later, but it feels like hours later when she rolls over, sure Kaya's asleep, her breath coming out slow and even. Megan kisses Kaya's ear as lightly as possible, strokes her hair gently. She looks so young while sleeping, Megan thinks, and it's only at times like this does she remember that Kaya's younger than her; most of the time she feels so young compared to Kaya, who always seems to know exactly what she (and everyone else) is thinking, always knows the right thing to do or say.  
  
It's infuriating sometimes, really.  
  
"I am so absolutely fucked," she murmurs in Kaya's ear, and Kaya stirs slightly, reaches out blindly, and Megan allows herself to be pulled in closer, allows Kaya's arm to wrap around her almost possessively.  
  
Maybe Kaya could fix her. She's just not sure if she wants to be fixed.  
  
;;  
  
The interviews start up only about a month after they've finished filming, and though they've done some during shooting and the day after the wrap up party for E4, this is completely new. Kaya's indifferent, of course, and Megan's really not surprised at all, because Kaya's had like, experience with doing these sort of things. She tells Meg she doesn't get nervous any more, because there's nothing they could fucking ask her that she hasn't been asked a thousand times before already.  
  
They get split up into their own little groups, which is what she expected anyway, though it's a bit odd that they're already been like, divided up like this. Her with Lily and Kathryn, Jack and Ollie. Kaya and Pass. The last bit makes her roll her eyes, because honestly, it's so obvious what the producers are trying to do here.  
  
Kathryn sits between her and Lily, always, and if she was so inclined, she'd find the whole thing laughably metaphorical, how Kathryn is always coming between them. And her and Lily are almost unbearable to sit with sometimes, because Kat is a terrible flirt, especially when she knows other people are watching, and Lily plays right along with it. It's fucking embarrassing, almost, how left out she feels, but she doesn't know what to say, ever, because Lily and Kat always have much better answers than she does.  
  
Whereas Meg can barely stand to re-watch the interviews later, Kathryn starts making a habit of it, and Megan cringes every time she hears her voice, because fucking hell, her lisp sounds bloody awful. She thinks she sounds like a right idiot, too, babbling on and never actually answering the fucking question -- "Whatever," Kaya says, while they're outside having a smoke, "they're not really looking for answers anyway, just want you to talk." -- and Kathryn sounds like a fucking genius in comparison.  
  
Lily and her sister end up doing more interviews, usually together, and it should probably bother her, she thinks, but it also makes sense, because (and it's only rather reluctantly that she admits this to herself) they've got both on-screen  _and_  off-screen chemistry.  
  
"Let's like, go somewhere," she says one rainy afternoon when Kaya's come over. They're on the couch watching the news and sharing a spliff -- something she usually wouldn't do, but Kathryn and their parents are out, so why the fuck not -- and she's bored out of her fucking mind.  
  
"Or we could stay in," Kaya offers suggestively, raising an eyebrow and smirking and Megan rolls her eyes.  
  
"Or you could not be like, a teenage boy for five minutes," she says, takes a long drag of the spliff before Kaya plucks it out of her fingers and inhales deeply.  
  
Kaya shrugs. "If you want to go out, we'll go out."  
  
;;  
  
They go to the cinema.  
  
It's a shitty movie and Megan barely even pays attention to it. She can't, really, with Kaya drawing small circles on her thigh, and especially not when Kaya takes her hand in her own, threads their fingers together. She's never held hands with a girl, she doesn't think, let alone in the cinemas, and it's like this is a fucking date or something. Megan doesn't even remember when she's last been on a date, because usually it's all just fucking and hanging out. And like, now she's just gone on one by accident.  
  
It makes her feel unexpectedly happy, thinking about it.  
  
;;  
  
Her good mood is ruined when she comes home to find Kathryn sitting curled up on the couch, watching  _Top Gear_ , and she's not really watching it, just sort of staring at the telly with a blank look on her face.  
  
It's pathetic.  
  
Megan says, "You don't even  _like_  this show."  
  
Kathryn doesn't even look at her, just finds the control and turns the volume up louder, pointedly ignoring Megan until Megan leaves with a heavy sigh, kicking off her shoes and heading up to her room. She checks her phone as she falls into bed, finds a text from Kaya.  
  
 _today was nice_ , it says. Underneath that,  _let's do it again some time_.  
  
She can feel a smile creeping over her face, feels a tiny pang of guilt for feeling good about today, since Kat's downstairs completely heartbroken. It vanishes almost an instant later; after all, she decides, she deserves to be happy once and a while too, even if Kaya isn't  _hers_ , not really.  
  
;;  
  
She sees Jack and Kaya together at a club once.  
  
She should have expected it, she knows this, Kaya and Jack have spent just about as much time around each other as Lily and Kathryn have, which makes sense, considering their respective storylines, and it's not like she and Kaya are like, _exclusive_  (or even dating), but she can't help feeling just a tiny bit betrayed.   
  
(And he's got like, his hands all over her fucking body, and all she can think about is him kissing her, him doing all the things to Kaya that she did; she feels sick.)  
  
Kaya spots her on her way over to the bar; catches Megan's eye, nods in the direction of the door.  
  
;;  
  
They meet outside.   
  
Kaya pulls a fag out of her purse, lights up without a word. Megan stands there, arms crossed, waits for her to say something; Kaya doesn't, and Megan can't stand the silence between them.  
  
"So, were you ever going to tell me about you and Jack? Or were you just waiting for me to read about it in the fucking  _Sun_?"  
  
Kaya tilts her head back and blows smoke up at the sky. "Didn't think you'd care. I mean, Jack and I have been fucking for a while now -- you know that."  
  
Megan flushes, burns her fingers while trying to light her own fag. "First of all, I didn't know, not really. I mean, Kat and Lily spend all their time together, but they're not fucking. Second of all, fuck you, you could have told me."  
  
"Get off it, Megan," Kaya says, doesn't even seem to care. "It's not like we're together or anything."  
  
"We've been fucking for months now."  
  
Kaya exhales long and slow. "Yeah. Doesn't mean it actually means anything."  
  
"Fuck you," Megan says again, flustered and angry. "I don't like to share."  
  
Kaya smirks, flicks her fag into the street. "You've been sharing for seventeen years now."  
  
;;  
  
They don't talk for almost a month after that.  
  
Kaya finally texts her in February:  _la senza is having a sale; want to come with?_  
  
Megan texts her back, albeit a bit grudgingly:  _yeah, okay, fine._  
  
;;  
  
Kaya invites her over to her house to watch Effy's episode with her.  
  
Megan declines, even though they've been getting on fairly well since they'd gone shopping together. They'd been fucking less, though, and Megan chalks it up to the fact that now she can only ever think about Jack fucking Kaya and it's so disgusting that it turns her off completely, even when Kaya tugs on Meg's ear gently with her teeth, her hand sliding up Megan's skirt.  
  
Things have changed, she realizes one evening, after a shower.  
  
;;  
  
When Kaya calls her the next week, inviting her to come over to watch Katie and Emily's episode, Megan does.  
  
They end up not actually watching the episode, because Megan's horribly embarrassed about her lisp and how it sounds like, ten times more ridiculous on telly, and also because watching Emily and Naomi's romance makes her think about Kathryn and her whole fucked up relationship with Lily, which, no thanks, she doesn't need that.  
  
Instead they fuck in Kaya's bed, the first time rough and quick, and Megan thinks it's how they work out their anger towards each other, fucking like this, because less than an hour later when they fuck again, it's much slower and softer. Patient.  
  
;;  
  
One of things about being a celebrity (and bloody hell, she still can't think of herself like that seriously, it just seems so absurd) is that they have to go to all sorts of events, most of them boring. E4 schedules most of what they -- it's always Kathryn and her together, if not just Kathryn, and it's one of the few times she's jealous of Kat, who seems to have been given any identity outside of just being 'one of the Prescott twins,' unlike herself -- have to go to, so they usually end up at some ridiculous club signing autographs or whatever.  
  
The movie premieres are better, though. She attributes this to the fact that Kaya usually comes with them; Kaya being there instantly makes the event five times more interesting, as far as Megan is concerned, because while Kat's off following Lily -- who seems a bit terrified of all the camera and screaming fans -- around like a lovesick puppy.  
  
(It's especially better when Kaya leans over while she's signing autographs and says in her ear, "Meet me in the bathroom once we're inside," and Megan almost fucks writing her own damn  _name_ , because, Christ.)  
  
;;  
  
Kaya's in the bathroom before she gets there, leaning against the frame of one of the stalls; she looks up when Megan enters.  
  
"You look fucking mint with that dress on," Meg says, very much impressed, and Kaya gives her a coy smile.   
  
It's all Meg needs for an invitation; she steps forward and closes the gap between her and Kaya, pushes her back into the handicapped bathroom stall and presses her up against the tiled wall. They don't kiss, because it'll fuck up their makeup, but it doesn't keep Kaya from sliding her fingers through Megan's hair, undoing all the time and effort Megan put into it two hours earlier so it would look somewhat decent, as Megan pushes Kaya's dress up around her waist, strokes her a few rough times through her knickers before shoving the bothersome material aside and pressing her thumb against Kaya's clit.  
  
Kaya lets out a small gasp and Megan feels Kaya's fingernails digging into the back of her neck; she can feel her knickers soaking through and fuck if it's not one of the hottest things ever.  
  
She gets Kaya off fairly quickly; Kaya offers to return the favor when she's finally able to catch her breath, smoothing out the front of her dress with shaky hands, but Megan declines, because they're late already and Kathryn and Lily are probably wondering where the fuck they've run off to.  
  
"Later," she says, opens the door to the stall a bit to make sure no one's coming, slips out and washes her hands at the sink.   
  
Kaya slides up behind her, meets Megan's gaze in the mirror, kisses her neck quickly with a chuckle, ducks out the door before Megan can tell her off for being a twat, because now she's going to have to wash off the smear of bright red lipstick.  
  
She wonders, briefly, as she wets a paper towel and scrubs at her neck, if Kat ever has had to do the same thing.  
  
;;  
  
Luke calls her and Kathryn at home, asks them if they'd like to come to a party before they all get together in Bristol again to start shooting the fourth series. She doesn't really want to go at first, because she's got loads of coursework to do -- being best friends slash fuck buddies with Kaya has it's downsides as well; namely, it's taking up far too much of her time -- but Kathryn insists that she come along.  
  
"Come on, Meg, it'll be  _fun_ ," she keeps saying, so Megan finally gives in, because what the fuck, not like she'd end up getting anything done tonight anyway; she'd probably end up sitting around re-watching the first season (which is her favorite) of _Desperate Housewives_  and wondering what sort of trouble Kat was getting up to now.  
  
;;  
  
Kathryn's proper pissed by nine o'clock and it's fucking ridiculous, really, how her sister has absolutely no control when it comes to alcohol -- or anything else, for that matter. She's at the bar with Kaya and Klariza, all of them trying to outlast each other while doing shots and Christ, the last thing Megan wants to do is drag Kathryn home completely pissed, because she'll probably throw up all over her new trainers like she did when they were fifteen and out for a friend's birthday celebration.  
  
"Come on, you silly cow," Megan says, grabbing her arm and pulling her away. Kathryn frowns, twists away from Megan's grasp.  
  
"Don't treat me like your little sister," she slurs, irritated.  
  
"Right, I forgot, you're the older one," Megan rolls her eyes. "By six whole minutes, even. Obviously I should just let you do whatever you want, because you always use your best judgement in every situation."  
  
Kathryn's completely lost interest though, is too busy staring at someone over Meg's shoulder and Megan doesn't even have to turn around and look to know that it's Lily that's caught Kathryn's attention. She sighs, turns and sees that Lily's moved back to their booth, is nursing a tall glass of rum and Coke.  
  
"Come on then," Megan says and Kathryn allows herself to be led over to the table, slides in next to Lily before bursting into a fit of giggles when Lily says, "Hello Kitty Kat."  
  
Megan rolls her eyes.  
  
Five minutes later, Lily grabs Kathryn's hand, saying, "Come on Kit Kat, let's go dance," and Kathryn barely even protests as Lily pulls her up out of her seat and drags her out onto the crowded dance floor.  
  
She shouldn't watch, but she can't help it, the way Kathryn presses her back up against Lily, purposefully grabs Lily's hands and puts them on her waist, the two of them slowly swaying to the heavy back beat of the bass, and Christ, they're in  _public_. And then Kathryn's leaning up and back and kissing Lily's throat, and it seems as if they're moving in slow motion; Megan can see Lily's eyes closing, her hand moving up towards Kat's shoulder, and her mouth goes dry.  
  
She doesn't bother to stay and watch to see what else happens, strides over to the bar and slides onto the empty seat beside Kaya, does three shots of peach schnapps right in a row. She can feel it burning in her stomach as she wipes her mouth on the back of her hand unhappily.  
  
"What's up?" Kaya asks, actually sounding concerned for once, and Megan can't say anything, just stares at her empty shot glass sadly.  
  
"Right, Lily," Kaya says, after a few long moments and Megan can barely bring herself to nod, but Kaya gets it, takes out her pack of fags and lighter, says, "Let's go outside."  
  
"Thanks," she says, when Kaya takes a long drag of her cigarette and then offers it over to her.  
  
Kaya says, leaning back against the wall of the club, the blue neon sign outside casting her in an odd glow, "You shouldn't worry about her. Or them. Don't let them fuck you up."  
  
"I can't help it," Megan says, hands the fag back, starts to cry.


	3. Chapter 3

 

They go back to Megan's room.

Kaya doesn't say anything about it, which Megan is more grateful for than she'd like to admit; she feels like no matter what anyone says right now, she's going to burst into tears again, and she really doesn't want that. Thankfully, Kaya, as usual, seems to know her better than she knows herself -- or at least is amazingly insightful -- because she doesn't say anything, just pulls off her heels and sits down next to Megan on her bed.

She can see herself somewhat in the vanity across the room, and Jesus, she looks well bad, with her makeup absolutely ruined and her eyes red from crying. She'd probably laugh about it if she didn't feel so bloody awful and heartsick right now. She's still looking at herself when Kaya leans over and kisses her cheek and it's so very un-Kaya to do such a thing; Megan turns and kisses her properly, feels Kaya's hands settle on her waist.

"I -- " she begins, because she feels like she's got to say at least _something_ , but Kaya presses a finger to her lips and shakes her head and Megan decides that maybe staying silent will be okay, at least for tonight.

They fuck incredibly slowly, slower than Megan can ever remember, and it doesn't even feel like _fucking_ really, more like making love, but she doesn't let herself think about that for too long.

Kaya presses her back down on the bed, kisses her with a gentleness that Megan's not at all used to and it makes her want to start crying again, but Kaya's fingers skirting along the edge of her top, brushing against the exposed skin of her stomach, paired with Kaya's mouth on her neck, somehow keep her steady.

It feels like forever, when Kaya finally gets around to working her shirt up and off, dropping it off the side of the bed and pushing Megan gently back down against the pillows, mouth moving lower, kissing the tops of her breasts, the space between them. Megan sighs and runs a hand through Kaya's hair; she pulls Kaya back up and kisses her fully on the mouth, and Kaya tastes like cranberry and vodka and cigarettes, but mostly just _nice_. She sits up, undoes her bra, lets Kaya take it off of her the rest of the way, moans lightly when Kaya's thumbs brush against her nipples.

"Kaya," she murmurs and Kaya looks up at her, eyes bright and blue even in the semi-darkness of the room and Jesus, she looks stunning right now, Megan thinks, head spinning from the alcohol and the fact that Kaya's knee is now pressing teasingly against her; she rocks her hips against it and Kaya smiles slightly.

She presses a kiss to Megan's temple, says in a low, soft voice, "Steady now," and strokes the undersides of Megan's breasts before bowing her head and running her tongue over a nipple before taking it into her mouth and sucking on it, while her free hand goes to Megan's other tit, cupping it, thumb stroking back and forth across her nipple.

Her hands go to Kaya's midriff; she starts to pull Kaya's top off, desperately wants to feel Kaya pressed against her, skin to skin, and Kaya pulls away, sits up and gets rid of her top with one swift motion and Megan thinks, _oh_ , because she isn't wearing a bra tonight. She reaches up, covers Kaya's breasts with her hands and Kaya moans low in her throat, eyes fluttering closed.

"Steady," Megan says quietly and Kaya smiles at that, eyes still closed and Megan pulls her back down to kiss her again, sucking lightly on Kaya's bottom lip before Kaya moves away, straddles her while she works to undo the button and zipper on her jeans. She tugs them halfway down the length of Megan's legs before Megan kicks them off entirely.

Kaya presses her palm flat against Megan's cunt through her knickers, whispers, "God, you're wet," and Megan moans and twists on the bed, feels herself growing even wetter at Kaya's words.

Kaya doesn't make her wait much longer, thankfully, stroking Megan a few times through her knickers before tugging them down at well, and Megan can't help but sit up and help her, just to get them off faster. Kaya pushes her back down firmly with one hand, lowers herself down and kisses Megan again, pinning Megan's hands up above her head and fuck, Kaya's knee is between her thighs again.

She arches up against the touch, starts, "Please, let me --," but Kaya already knows what she wants, sits back on her heels and undoes the buckle on her belt, the metal clinking softly against itself, undoes the button on her jeans, and fuck, it's moving too slow for Megan; she moves forward, sits up a bit, tugs down Kaya's trousers and knickers to mid thigh.

Her hand slips between Kaya's thighs; she lets out a small groan when she realizes just how fucking _wet_ Kaya is, her fingers are completely soaked, Jesus, and she's thinking this all the time, but fuck, it's the hottest thing she can ever remember.She moves her fingers lightly against Kaya's cunt, strokes her clit once, twice, and Kaya gasps and bucks forward into her hand.

"Fuck," Megan murmurs and gets onto her knees, pulling Kaya to her and kissing her roughly.

After a long minute or two of kissing, Kaya pulls away with a smile, gets off the bed and steps out of her knickers and jeans, climbs back into bed with Megan, pushing her onto her back with a pleased grin.

She presses two fingers into Megan, thumb hitting her clit, and Megan's hips jump at the sudden contact. "Jesus," she breathes, and Kaya begins to work her fingers in and out, purposefully slow. She kisses Megan while she does it, hovering just above her, her movements never slowing. She keeps it up for what feels like an eternity, until Megan's writhing on the bed, begs, "Please, Kaya, _please_ ," because fuck, she's right on the edge and she just needs Kaya to _touch_ her properly.

Eventually Kaya tires of making her wait and she slips her fingers out of Megan, strokes her clit roughly for a moment until Megan comes with a cry, biting down on the inside of her cheek hard enough to draw blood, seeing stars behind her eyelids.

She hasn't even caught her breath yet when she slides her hand between Kaya's thighs, as it's bloody amazing, getting Kaya off like this while she's on her hands and knees still above Megan. She fingers her slowly, until Kaya's breath starts coming out in short, quick pants, and she increases the speed of her fingers; Kaya comes with a shudder, eyes squeezed shut tight, her hips jerking against Megan's hand.

Kaya collapses on top of her, panting and sweaty, and Megan smooths her hair back, kisses her once on the forehead and then again on the mouth, before wrapping her arms around Kaya with a sigh.

Megan's almost dozed off to sleep when Kaya kisses her lightly, rolls off and says, "So."

"So nothing," Megan says and can't even bring herself to make eye contact with Kaya.

They fall asleep like that, on separate sides of the bed, Kaya curled up on her side, her back to Megan, who stares at the ceiling for what feels like hours, her mind and heart racing, before sleep overtakes her.

;;

She wakes up to find a) the sunlight pouring in through her windows, b) the blankets and sheets all kicked off to the floor, and, c) Kaya staring at her. She blinks a few times and yawns, can feel a massive headache coming on, and says, "How long have you been up?"

"Only a few minutes now," Kaya says, and her makeup's surprisingly intact or well, it looks better than how Megan's usually looks when she wakes up in the morning after a night of drinking. "How'd you sleep?"

"Alright." She doesn't mention that she stayed awake for a good two hours watching Kaya sleep and trying to sort everything else out in her head before she fell asleep herself. "You?"

"Alright. You move around a lot in your sleep, did you know that? Nearly fucking pushed me off the bed once."

Megan can feel her face grow hot. "Sorry."

"S'alright," Kaya grins. "It's sort of cute."

She leans in and kisses Megan, despite the fact that they both probably have like, horrible morning breath. Kaya kisses the corner of her mouth a second time, then her nose, pulls away and sits up, stretching; Megan can't help but watch, the way her hair falls down over her shoulders, back, the curve of her back and the shape of her breasts. She's beautiful, she thinks, and it's sudden, like she's realizing it for only the first time, though she's always felt that way about Kaya, way back when she was watching her in the first two series, before they'd even met.

"We should probably get dressed," she says, tugging the sheets and blankets back onto the bed. "I, uh, you can borrow some of my clothes, if you want. I dunno if they'll fit you. The shorts, probably. Any of my tops will probably be a bit on the small side, at least for you."

"Whatever."

She manages to find a baggy t-shirt underneath the pile of clothes in her closet, and it's wrinkled but it smells alright and it'll most likely be the only thing to fit Kaya relatively decently; she tosses it over towards the direction of the bed, tosses over a pair of pink shorts -- with _Pink_ written across the back in white lettering, it suddenly seems very lame to her, her fashion sense -- as well.

Once she's dressed, she kicks the door to the closet closed to see Kaya looking at herself in the mirror, combing her fingers through her hair lazily.

"Want breakfast?" She asks, and Kaya nods slowly at her through the mirror.

"Is that Kathryn's room?" Kaya asks, as they make their way down the hall. The door's half-open and it's silent; Kathryn probably didn't come home last night. No surprise, Megan thinks, feels a small pang of hurt when she remembers exactly why she got so fucked up last night, why she and Kaya ended up back at her room.

"You want to see her bedroom?" She asks. Kaya gives her a look and she goes on to explain, "Kat and I, we don't like, have boundaries. There's no privacy between us. Hence the reason I'm usually walking in on her fucking some girl; neither of us understand the concept of knocking."

Kaya cracks a smile and says, "Yeah, alright, sure."

Megan pushes the door open; Kaya steps in cautiously, follows her.

"It's . . . messy."

"Christ, it's like a fucking war zone in here," Megan says with a grimace, kicking a shirt over to the corner near Kathryn's closet. "I don't know how she can like, bring girls here without feeling embarrassed. I'd never have anyone come visit if my room looked this bad."

"I dunno, I think it suits her," Kaya says, sits down on Kat's bed without an invitation.

"Messy?"

"Chaotic." She looks over at the wall above Kathryn's bed. Megan can see her eyes darting back as she reads it. Then, "'Kat's a gay,'" Kaya reads aloud, amused. "Who wrote that?"

"Probably one of her tosser friends," Megan joins her on the bed. "They've written loads of other stuff too, about Kat and girls. I still don't know how our parents haven't figured it out yet. About her, I mean. She's practically fucking girls right in front of them."

"People see what they want to see," Kaya says plainly.

Megan shrugs. "Yeah, well. I suppose it's for the best, anyway."

They're both silent for a moment. Megan picks at a spot on Kathryn's duvet while Kaya sits up on her knees, looking at the books on the shelf above the bed, pulling a few of them out and turning to read the back cover before putting them back in their places. Megan looks up at her.

"What are those, anyway? I never bothered to look."

Kaya sits back down, shrugs. "Sarah Waters books, mostly."

Megan scoffs. "Christ."

"I think it's a bit cute, you know?" Kaya says, smiling at her. "That Kathryn's so obviously gay and you're so . . . not."

"Neither of us are gay," Megan rolls her eyes. " _I'm_ bisexual and Kat is," she puts her fingers up to imitate air quotes, "'not into labels.' Whatever the fuck that means. Personally, I think it's just so that she doesn't have to think about it, you know? Like, if she doesn't give it a name, it doesn't exist. Though I don't know how she can pretend like that, considering she's fucked more girls in like, a week, than I have my entire life."

"She's not like Emily at all," Kaya says, biting a nail. "Well, maybe a bit, in some ways. They're both very complicated, her and Emily. Sort of like how you and Katie are similar."

"We're not alike at all," Megan says, a bit defensively.

"You are, a bit," Kaya presses on, unfazed. "Because you both want things you can't have."

;;

Megan just decides to _say_ it one day, while she and Kathryn are at Cafe Nero getting hot chocolates; walking back home, she says, very abruptly, "I like fucking girls."

Kathryn doesn't even blink. "Yeah. So?"

"I just wanted to let you know," Megan says, a bit disappointed that Kat doesn't seem to think this is a big deal or even worth like, talking about, considering this is the first time that she's like, officially come out to her sister. "Like, I likes blokes too, just so we're clear. I'm bi."

There's an incredibly long and awkward pause, before Kathryn says, looking straight ahead, "I like fucking girls too."

Megan bites down on her bottom lip from saying something thoughtless and mean like, _no fucking duh, Kathryn, everyone and their mum knows that by now_ , because this probably actually like, is a big deal for Kat, saying something like that out loud.

"And I guess I like boys too," Kat says, after a moment, sipping her hot chocolate. "Well, I used to, anyway. I mean, I think I still do, only I'm not sure and like, I _really love_ having sex with girls."

"It's okay," Megan says reassuringly, because Kat looks like she might cry. Megan smiles, links arms with her, and it's almost like back when they were little and actually got on fairly well. "You're not into labels."

;;

For about a week after that, they get on marvelously.

Megan thinks that Kathryn looks a bit more cheerful, like she's finally managed to get over whatever it was that was bothering her.

It makes her feel better as well.

;;

She originally plans to like, mention it over a long period of time, slowly dropping hints before finally saying it, but she ends up just blurting it out one evening while standing in the doorway to Kat's bedroom.

"I fucked Kaya," she says, attempting to sound as casual about it as possible. "Or, well, I've _been_ fucking Kaya. I just thought you should know."

Kathryn's eyes light up and a smile breaks out across her face. "Cool. She's a marvelous shag, isn't she?"

"Yeah, actually, I was -- " Megan begins cheerfully, and then, "wait, how do _you_ know?"

"I've fucked her before," Kathryn shrugs, as if to say, so what, it's nothing new, and Megan gapes at her, torn between curiosity, jealousy, and something else which she can't put a name to.

" _When_?"

"Oh, a long time ago," Kat says, turns another page in her magazine. "Back like, before we shot the third episode for series three. Remember Meg, you went home because you had an exam the next day? Kaya came over, brought vodka, we got a bit off our tits," she smiles a bit at the memory and Megan feels her stomach lurch. "Anyway, she just asked if I wanted to fuck her, all nonchalant like, you know? And it's not like I would have passed up an opportunity to shag Kaya fucking Scodelario."

"Right," Meg says, balling her hands into fists and shoving them into her pockets, trying to quell the urge to just fucking slap her. "So, she just asked you straight off -- 'want to fuck' -- just like that?"

Kathryn nods, already losing interest in the conversation. "Yeah. So?"

"I honestly can _not_ believe you sometimes, Kathryn," Megan says, suddenly feeling rather angry. "Why didn't you say anything about it?"

"Oh, please, Meg," Kathryn says, in a bored tone. "Don't take it as a personal insult."

"I'm _not_ ," Megan scowls. "I just can't get over the fact that you're an even bigger slut than I thought."

Kathryn laughs at that and Megan storms off; Kathryn always has the upper hand.

;;

 _You fucked Kathryn?_ is what she texts Kaya much later, when she's had a spliff and calmed down some about the whole thing. She lies in bed and waits a full ten minutes later until she hears her phone vibrating on the nightstand, reaches over and reads the text from Kaya.

 _yeah_ is all it says and Megan has to resist the urge to throw her mobile at the wall, because what the fuck, Kaya could at least have bothered to give her some sort of explanation about the whole thing. It's only fair, after all, she thinks, feeling angry all over again.

For a moment she thinks about texting Kaya back, sort of like, demanding an explanation or something, then thinks the better of it. She doesn't really want to know about it, truthfully, what happened or why Kathryn did it, and fuck, she's so irrationally pissed off about this, she thinks, because the whole thing happened _months_ ago, and it's not like Kaya's hers or anything, she's made that very clear on several occasions.

She falls asleep with Kaya's voice in her head, _want to fuck?_ , wakes up in the night feeling horribly on edge, knickers soaked right through; she can't fall back asleep without wanking off, isn't even sure _who_ she's thinking about while she does it, because everything's a bit hazy, is pretty sure it's Lily's mouth on hers that she imagines when she comes, but maybe it's Kaya's or some other lass she snogged back in secondary school, before everything became such a fucking mess.

;;

Things go on fairly normally, or, Megan muses, as normally as their lives usually are.

Kaya doesn't bring up fucking Kathryn and Megan doesn't either, which is fine, really, because she's still rather angry about it and she knows that any discussion about it will most likely end with her shouting, and she doesn't want to make herself out to be an ever bigger bitch than she probably already has. For a while when they fuck it's very angry and aggressive, and Megan's rougher than usual, and sometimes when she glances over at Kaya, sleeping, she traces over the marks she left with her teeth and nails, and it makes her feel a little guilty.

It doesn't seem to bother Kaya though; rather, she seems to enjoy it, which sometimes makes Megan even angrier, but usually only just makes her wetter.

;;

"So why did you sleep with her?"

It's been a month and three weeks.

Kaya rolls over and looks at her, stares at her long and hard, so much like Effy that Megan flinches and looks away, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. At last Kaya says, in a flat, even tone, "I'm assuming you mean Kathryn."

"Of course I mean Kathryn, you silly cow, unless you've slept with Lily too," Megan laughs weakly; it's an awful attempt at a joke, but fucking hell, Kaya is just _staring_ , all calm like, and it's just too much. She gets up, goes over to her vanity and picks up her hairbrush, though her hair doesn't really need fixing at all.

"Look," she says finally, because she can't stand the silence. "I'm just asking, okay? I just want to know. I'm not going to like, be pissed at you or anything for it. I mean like, it's no big deal."

Kaya sees right through her. "Liar."

"Okay, well, maybe it does mean something," Megan says, blushing and flustered. "But like, I really won't get upset about it. I just want to know -- well, why would you go and do a thing like that? I always thought that I . . . well," she looks down, feels sick. "Well, I mean I thought I was like, the only girl you -- well, aren't you _straight_?"

"I don't like labels," Kaya says, after a beat.

"Fuck off," Megan says and feels tears burning in her eyes, feels absolutely ridiculous and like a right fucking twat. "That's what _Kathryn_ says. I fucking hate it. Either you know what you are or you don't. I don't understand this whole fucking deal with _labels_. You fuck both boys and girls, ergo, you're bisexual. What is the big fucking deal."

Kaya doesn't say anything; Megan can't even bring herself to look up at her in the mirror.

Finally, when she's managed not to cry and make herself look like a fool in front of Kaya, she says, "I just want to know why you did it."

She can hear Kaya shift on the bed and there's a long pause before Kaya says, "It was something to do."

"Right." Megan stands, tosses the hairbrush aside angrily, goes over to her window and shoves the curtain aside, stares out at the garden. "Right then, so I guess I was just something to do as well too, huh. Just someone who was lonely and sad and, and _horny_ , so you thought, why not, I'm sure she's up for a shag, because she's so fucking pathetic that she's in love with her sister's best friend slash not so secret lover. Thanks; that's well compassionate of you."

"It wasn't like that," Kaya says, sounding surprisingly defensive. "Okay, maybe it was like that, originally. But all those other times -- I meant it. And I'm being completely honest here and you probably won't even believe me, because you're still sodding in love with Lily and you just won't get over it even though you know she doesn't want you."

"Shut up," Meg whispers and wills herself very hard not to cry.

A tiny creak of the bed as Kaya gets up and suddenly she's behind Megan, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her neck through her hair. "Come on," she says, quietly. "I don't want to fight. Let's just make up and forget all about it, yeah?" She nuzzles Megan's neck gently and fuck if it isn't making her less angry by the second, Kaya being like this.

"Fine," she says and she can feel Kaya smirking when she kisses her shoulder, as her hand slips under the waistband of Megan's sweatpants and knickers.

;;

"Are you ever jealous of Kat?"

It's a completely unexpected question and she's almost knocked over by it, because she and Lily are just sitting here having a smoke outside in the garden, waiting for Kathryn to get home from college, and like, she wasn't planning on having an actual conversation.

"Sometimes," she says, resists the urge to say _all the fucking time, especially where you're concerned_. "I mean like, she does everything first, you know? First one to snog a boy, first to snog a girl, first to lose her virginity, first born, even. First to get expelled from college too," they both laugh at that.

"Being first doesn't always make her the best," Lily says, and Megan rolls her eyes and smiles.

"You sound like Kaya."

Lily shrugs; _I don't know_. "Well, it's true, is all. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of things you're good at that Kat's not. And anyway, just because she's good at some things, it doesn't mean like, they're things to be proud of. Like, being able to get pissed every night and still wake up relatively no worse for wear; it won't exactly get you the fucking noble prize."

They both laugh again.

"No, you're right," Megan says thoughtfully, tosses the end of her fag onto the walkway by the back steps. "Anyway, though, she must be good at something, yeah? She got you, after all."

Lily's smile fades a bit. "Yeah."

Megan frowns. "What's wrong?"

Lily sighs deeply. "Nothing, really, it's just. She's very serious, you know? And I wouldn't have thought it, seeing her how she normally is. But she's like, very serious about _us_ as a couple. Not like, moving in together or anything like that. It just seems like she over thinks everything. She's so worried about us breaking up."

"Does she need to be worried?" She asks the question point blank; no point in trying to be nice.

"No, of course not," Lily says, looking genuinely offended. Then, a bit sadder, "I love her."

"Well, have you told her that?"

Lily hesitates. "No, I haven't. But she hasn't said it either and I, I just don't want to . . . to . . ."

"You should say it."

"I don't know if it'll help," Lily says, looking helpless and almost on the verge of tears. "I just. I've really tried, Meg, I have. I don't even know what she's afraid of. I'm not going to leave her."

She leans forward and gives Lily an awkward hug, feels guilty two seconds later for noticing the weight of Lily's hand on the small of her back, how Lily's hair smells like strawberry and her top smells like the washing powder their mum uses.

"Don't worry about Kathryn," she says, and Lily sniffs, swipes quickly at her eyes. "Things will sort themselves off. She's just a bit scared, you know? This is like, the first actual relationship she's had in a long time. Or like, ever, really."

"Thanks Megan," Lily smiles weakly at her. "You're a good sister. You know that, right?"

"Sometimes," Megan says, forces a smile.

;;

She gets a text from Kathryn: _broke up with lily. be home later._

"What's up?" Kaya asks, coming out of the kitchen with two mugs of tea, handing one over to Meg before sliding down next to her on the couch, curling her legs up under her.

"Kat broke up with Lily," Megan says simply, because really, there's no point in dressing things up. "She just texted me to let me know that," she sighs, takes a sip of her tea; it too fucking hot and she burns her tongue on it. "Fucking hell."

Kaya's silent for a bit. "So what are you going to do?"

"What the fuck?"

Kaya shrugs. "Well, you have a few options. You can either hold on or let go."

Megan frowns, sets her mug down on the coffee table beside her mobile, turns the telly off. "Could you just stop, for like, five bloody seconds? If you've got something to say, just come right out and say it. Don't be so fucking vague."

There's a long pause, and then Kaya says, "Do you love her? Lily, I mean."

"I don't know," Megan sighs, picks at a hole in her jeans. "No. Yes. What does this have to do with anything?"

Kaya smiles and Megan feels like slapping her, because what the fuck, she has no idea what Kaya's getting at or what she's trying to say and she feels very tired and sad right now and doesn't want to think about anything. "What I mean is, because apparently you're too daft to figure it out yourself: you can either seize the moment and chase after Lily or you can be Kathryn's sister. So what are you going to do?"

"I have no idea," Megan says, overwhelmed, and she realizes it's the most honest she's been in months.

;;

She knocks on Kathryn's door later that evening.

"Hey," she says quietly. Kat doesn't even look up; she's lying down curled up on her bed, looks like a right fucking pathetic mess. Megan sits down on the foot of Kathryn's bed without a word, just sits there quietly for a long time and waits for Kat to say something.

She doesn't though, so Megan ventures in with, "I know you probably don't want to talk about it, so I'm not like, going to fucking ask how you are or what happened or any other bullshit thing like that. So don't worry. But you know, like, I know we're not really close or anything, but I'm here for you. If you need me or whatever."

There's an incredibly long and heavy pause before Kat says, "Do you want to know, why I did it?"

Megan doesn't say anything, just nods mutely.

"I did it because I can't not fuck anything up," Kathryn says, sounding like she's about to cry. "Because I'm so bloody stupid and scared and what else could I have done, Megan?"

"You could have given it a chance, Kathryn," she says, feeling like a complete bitch for saying it but thinking it needs to be done anything. "I don't understand how you -- she obviously loves you, you stupid twat, and it's not like we live halfway across the country. You could have made it work, if you weren't such an insufferable cunt about _everything_."

"Fuck off," Kathryn says, but there's no force behind it, so Megan doesn't.

"You don't want to hear it," she says and Kathryn still doesn't look at her, even when she reaches out and puts her hand on Kat's leg. "But you kind of have to, Kat."

"Why do you even care, Megan?" She asks, after a beat. "I mean, you go around fucking Kaya and she's got Jack and you, you have an even more fucked up love life than I do. It's pathetic, really, and you don't even know it. And you go around just doing whatever, Christ, we haven't been close in years, so why do you suddenly care so much about Lily and I? Fucking hell, all you've ever done is meddle in our relationship."

She doesn't mean to say it, but it comes out before she can stop herself: "It's because I love her."

She's pretty sure Kat hates her now, feels Kathryn stiffen visibly under her touch, and there's a horribly long silence that follows her accidental confession. She feels a bit like throwing up, can feel her stomach knotting up nervously and she can barely breathe.

"I don't even know what to say to that," Kathryn says, after what feels like ages. "I mean, what the fuck Megan? What the actual _fuck_."

"I'm sorry," Megan looks down at her shoes, withdraws her hand, feels like dying. "I'm sorry and I -- I didn't want to tell you like that. Or like, tell you ever."

"Why?"

"Jesus, Kathryn," Megan says, torn between wanting to be angry and feeling like shit. "Why didn't I want to tell you? For a number of reasons, obviously, first and foremost being that you're my fucking sister. Second being that like, I don't know, I just wanted you to be happy."

Kathryn starts to cry, startling her; it's completely unexpected.

"I really fucked up," she says, and Megan climbs into bed with her, strokes her hair until Kat falls asleep.

;;

She calls Kaya.

"I know it's late," she starts, but Kaya cuts her off with, "No, it's cool, I get it."

"I told her I was in love with Lily," Megan says and there's a bit of a silence on the other end of the line until Kaya says anything.

"What'd she say?"

Megan bites down on her bottom lip. "Not much, really. She just sort of . . . cried a lot. She's asleep now, but I don't know what she's going to be like tomorrow, you know? I mean, I don't think she hates me or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was angry or whatever. I mean, it's totally fair."

"Want to come over?" Kaya asks and Megan breathes a sigh of belief, because hell, Kaya does know her so ridiculously well and it's nice that at least _someone_ does.

"Yeah, sure," she says, already searching around for her shoes.

;;

Kaya meets her at the train station, hands shoved into her coat pockets, a cigarette between her lips, the smallest curl of smoke rising up from the lit end of it. She turns when Megan arrives, takes her fag out of her mouth, blows smoke out coolly, says, 'How do you feel?"

"Like a fucking twat, mostly," Megan says, steals the fag from Kaya and takes a long, desperate drag of it, hands it back with a smile. "But actually, pretty good."

;;

They fuck on the couch in Kaya's living room -- "It's fine," Kaya says, when Megan starts to push her off, "my parents are out for the weekend; I'm all by myself."

It's probably the filthiest sex she's ever had, she thinks, more so even than when she'd gotten Kaya off in the dressing room at the Gap one Saturday afternoon when it'd been the busiest she'd ever seen it. But it just feels so dirty now, with one leg hanging off the back of the couch and the other wrapped around Kaya's waist and she presses into Megan slowly with two fingers, kissing her sloppily.

She comes amazingly hard after only a few minutes, watching breathlessly at Kaya gets herself off in front her her, strokes her nipples lightly before putting her hand over Kaya's own, whispering all sorts of filthy things in Kaya's ear, knowing it'll get her off even harder.

Later, when they've finally managed to untangle themselves and have relocated to Kaya's bed, with it's huge off-white down comforter and ridiculously soft pillows, Kaya looks at her hard and says, "Really, are you okay?"

It's a bit disconcerting, Megan thinks, because Kaya never really seems to give a fuck about anyone, but there's a softness to her voice that Meg's not quite familiar with, and it seems like, for once, she actually _does_ care.

"Yeah," Megan says slowly, kissing her shoulder. "I think I am, anyway. At this moment, anyway; I can't say anything about how I'll be feeling tomorrow morning. But right now, here, I'm good."

"So Kat didn't take it too badly then, you being in love with Lily?"

"I think she was more shocked than anything," Megan sighs, remembers the way Kat had looked at her after she'd said it, like Megan had betrayed her somehow, all hurt and angry and confused all at once. "I mean, she's probably angry too, but it's not like I've actually _done_ anything, you know? I mean I -- I've done nothing but _help_ them get together."

Kaya brushes a strand of hair out her eyes, tucks it behind an ear. "You know, I never got that," she says, after a moment. "Why you were always doing that."

She doesn't even have to think about it before she answers: "Because they just look good together, you know? Kathryn and Lily. I see them together, and yes, the first thing I'll be thinking is that I'm so massively jealous of Kat, because she's got Lily. But then I see them both together and they just look like, happy, you know? And I don't think I've ever seen Kat like that, like, really, just, fuck-the-world-we're-in-love kind of happy."

A pause. "You really do sound like Katie, you know, when you say things like that."

Megan sighs, feels irritation rising within her. "Fuck off, Kaya. I'm trying to be serious here and you're -- "

Kaya kisses her; it shuts her up.

"I'm just making an observation, is all," Kaya says calmly. "And it's true. But also, it's . . . I don't even know. It's sort of beautiful in a way, yeah? The way you're just willing to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else. For your sister."

"It's okay, yeah," Megan says, after a beat. "It still hurts like fucking hell, though."

"I know," Kaya says, kisses her again, slower and softer this time. More patient. Comforting. "But you have me."

Megan kisses her, presses onto her back, slides her hand down between their bodies, strokes at Kaya's clit until Kaya's shaking beneath her, until she comes, whispers in her hair, "God, sometimes I think I'm half in love with you.'

"That would certainly be interesting, wouldn't it?" Kaya smiles, rolls them both over, moves down between Megan's legs, pressing open-mouth kisses to Megan's thighs.

;;

"Call her," Megan says, passing Kathryn in the living room, sitting on the couch watching a football game and looking absolutely miserable. "Just call her, you stupid twat, and work things out."

"I can't," Kathryn says, sounding small and pathetic. "And anyway, I'm not mad at you. Just in case you were wondering."

Megan bites her lip. "I'm really sorry, Kat. And I swear to God, _nothing happened_. It was just all me being a twat and, and -- I'm just sorry. And you deserve Lily, really. And it makes me sad because like, you don't even realize it, do you? She's completely in love with you."

"She never said it."

"What?"

"Love," Kathryn sighs, sounds horribly depressed. "She never once said that she loved me."

Megan says, "But she told me. _She told me._ "

"It's not the same." Another sigh.

"Well, did you ever tell her?" Megan asks, taking out her mobile and texting Kaya that she's going to be a bit late coming to lunch.

"No."

"Well, for fuck's sake, Kathryn, why not?" She's getting impatient now, because this is all just so _stupid_ , and why can't people just _say_ what's on their minds, why does everything always have to be kept bottled up inside. And she can't believe that they're both so stupid, to be in love and to never even say it. So _what_ if they don't last fucking forever -- that's not the _point_. She wills herself to count to ten, calms down a bit.

"You should really call her," she says, in quieter voice this time. "Please, Kathryn. Just do it like, for me, okay? Because I would -- call her, I mean -- if I thought that like, I even had a chance. But I _don't_ , because she's in love with _you_ and together you're like, stupid-adorable like happy, you know? And okay, maybe it won't last for forever, you're right. But who cares? You're always talking about _forever_ , Kathryn. What ever happened to just living for today?"

Kathryn doesn't say anything, just slumps down further on the couch, keeps her eyes on the telly, watching, but not really caring.

"Look, I've got to go," Megan sighs, stands up, takes out her mobile again, checks her messages; there aren't any new ones.

" _You_ should tell _her_ ," Kathryn says, right as she's got her hand on the doorknob, about to go out.

"Sorry?"

"Kaya," Kathryn says, and looks straight over at her, and it's a little disconcerting, looking into her own brown eyes, but then Kat says, "You talk about a lot of things, Megan. About doing the right thing and saying what's on your mind and all this bullshit other psychology stuff -- "

It's not psychology stuff, Megan thinks, annoyed.

" -- But you never actually do anything. Okay, so you're in love with Lily too, great, amazing. But you don't _know_ okay, what it's like. To be scared that one day she's going to wake up and decide that this isn't what she wants. That our careers or school or whatever will be too much and will pull on us until we break. It's scary, okay?"

Megan nods dumbly.

"So don't _tell_ me what to do. Not when you're out there fucking Kaya and acting like it's no big deal, like you don't care about who she may fuck or that you're just like, some piece on the side."

"Fuck off," Megan says and she knows she should just _go_ , before she says anything stupid, but it's always been like this; she can never walk away from an argument between her and Kathryn, not ever. "You don't know anything about how I feel or Kaya or anything, okay? You -- you used to fuck girls all the time, used to just meet them in clubs and take them home for a night and it was no big deal at all. So what's the difference here? Just because I'm consistently fucking one person, it doesn't mean anything."

Kathryn sniffs, looks annoyed. "Right, okay."

"Well, what the fuck Kathryn? I'm trying to help you out here and you -- "

"What?" Kathryn's eyes narrow. "I what?"

"You're just so fucking _stupid_ ," Megan says. She manages to grab the door handle again, strides out without another word, slams the door shut behind her.

Kaya looks her up and down when she arrives at the restaurant, twenty minutes late, says very plainly, "You and Kathryn fought."

"Yeah," Megan slides into the seat across from her. "And I don't really want to talk about."

Kaya doesn't even raise an eyebrow, just says, "Alright. Want to get fucked up later and come to my place?"

"What about Jack," Megan says icily, sounding meaner than she intends to.

"Don't know where he is," Kaya says, not looking up from the menu, sounding completely unfazed. "Don't give a fuck, either."

Part of her is annoyed at Kaya's nonchalance. Another part of her pleased that Kaya really doesn't seem to give a fuck about Jack one way or the other. Of course, she thinks, Kaya probably feels like that about everyone, her included, but it's nice to know that Jack doesn't like, actually mean anything.

She inches forward, slides her foot along Kaya's leg until Kaya looks up at her, amused. She glances over towards the direction of the bathroom and Megan feels arousal lick across her belly like a flame, nods once, tosses her napkin aside and walks to the bathroom. She can feel Kaya's eyes on her the whole time, and it's only moments later when Kaya joins her in the bathroom, pushing her up against the wall and kissing her senselessly.

Kathryn's wrong, Megan can't help but think, as Kaya's hand works its way under her shirt and bra, all the while kissing her neck. What they do, her and Kaya -- it's only fucking. That's all it's ever been and all it ever will be. And it's okay, like this. Not everything has to mean something; not everyone has to fall in love.

Though it would be nice, she thinks, her mind a bit hazy as Kaya's hands slides under her knickers.

;;

They take a taxi back to Kaya's house, because Kaya offers to pay, and it's much better than the Tube anyway. That, and Megan doesn't really want to go home, because she hates arguing with Kathryn, especially over stupid things like this. She half-heartedly hopes that Kat took her advice about calling Lily; maybe if they patch things up, Kat won't be so disagreeable anymore.

She says as much to Kaya, who's tracing circles on Megan's knee in a wickedly distracting way. Kaya says, between soft kisses on her neck -- which make Megan flush, because God, the driver is _right there_ \-- "Don't worry about it, pet."

Megan _is_ worried about it, though, because more likely Kat's gone off and done something right stupid, like decided the only thing she needs to get over Lily is some random fuck with a blond slag in a dirty club bathroom. (It's usually Kathryn's solution to _everything_ and Megan can't help but roll her eyes at the thought of it.)

"I really am like, worried about her," she tells Kaya, before she's pressed up against the door inside Kaya's house and kissed roughly.

"God, shut up," Kaya whispers, though not unkindly, and Megan does for a bit, as they make their way upstairs, albeit slowly, because Kaya can't stop touching her and Megan can't stop letting her.

Kaya doesn't even wait for them to undress at all, just pushes Megan back onto her bed and straddles her, pushing Megan's skirt up around her waist and yanking her knickers down just enough so that she can slide two fingers into her quickly. It's rather rough, the way Kaya's fucking her, and Megan thinks it would probably hurt if she wasn't so fucking wet, with the way Kaya's sucking on her nipple through the top she bought at American Eagle last Sunday when they went shopping together.

The memory of _that_ day, which involved Kaya going down on her in a changing room with a flimsy lock and coming so hard she drew blood from biting down on her lip, makes her even wetter and she groans when Kaya flicks her thumb against her clit.

After Kaya's gotten her off -- twice -- she can't stand it any longer, pulls Kaya's hand away and purposely licks her fingers clean, grins when Kaya shivers at the touch.

"Come here," Megan says quietly, and Kaya bows to kiss her; Megan wraps her arms around Kaya's waist and pulls her down flat on top of her. They lie like that for some time, just exchanging soft, half-open mouthed kisses, and it's nice, just to be like this, Megan thinks, rather unexpectedly.

Afterwards they undress each other slowly; Megan runs her tongue over every inch of Kaya, watches with a mixture of fondness, arousal, and something else that she can't name, as Kaya sighs and arches up under her touch, a flush spreading from her face to her neck and shoulders.

"You know, sometimes I'm _not_ jealous of Kathryn," Megan says sleepily, after they've made love and are lying tangled in the sheets and each other's arms. Kaya pushes her sweaty fringe back and kisses Megan's forehead. "I mean like, getting your heart broken. That's not exactly something to wish for."

"I thought Kat was the heartbreaker," Kaya says.

"Well, yeah, you're right," Megan says, after a beat. "But not really, you know? I mean, technically she is. But it's not like it was easy for her, by any means. She's like, completely depressed over it. I don't really think it's what she _wanted_ to do, just what she thought she _had_ to do."

Kaya gives her an easy smile, kisses the bridge of her nose. "You're surprisingly astute, Miss Prescott. Especially after getting shagged."

Megan grins and kisses her lightly. "I don't think this counts as being astute. I'm just saying something that's true, is all. Anyway, my point: being in love. I don't know if Kat's ever actually been in love before. Aside from being in love with herself, I mean," she adds a moment later with a smirk. "I've never seen Kat care about someone so much before. Usually with her it's all, 'fuck the world I don't need anyone.' I think she's scared of losing something that like, she . . . I don't know. She's scared of losing something she cares about."

"Understandable," Kaya murmurs, catches Megan's hand and brings it to her mouth, kissing her fingers one by one by one. It's such a small, soft gesture that Megan's heart catches unexpectedly in her throat and for a moment she can't breathe.

"Is it wrong?" She asks Kaya, after she's managed to recover. "To care so much, I mean. Like, sometimes I think it's weird that like, I care so much about Kat being a twat and Lily being just as equally a twat too. Like I've got something invested in their relationship. Like it actually _matters_ to me if they sort things out."

"You're twins," Kaya says, as if that somehow explains everything; surprisingly, it does.

She kisses Kaya on the mouth again, then kisses her neck through her hair, which smells like lilacs and soap. Kaya sighs, writes words on Megan's back that Megan can't decipher.

"Don't worry about it," Kaya says after a long silence, when Megan's kissed along her collarbone, down her arm, and back up, kissing the corner of her mouth. "Trying being more inwardly focused from now on, yeah Meg?"

Megan doesn't know what she's talking about, but she's used to Kaya saying things that only make sense to her, and so she nods, eyes fluttering closed when Kaya drags her tongue around the curve of her ear, her hand resting heavily on Megan's thigh.

;;

Kathryn manages to carry on fairly well, Megan thinks, and it's a kind of professionalism she never expected to see where Kat was concerned, because Kathryn was rarely professional about anything that didn't involve talking about herself or showing off (which Megan had learned several times over from interviews and movie premieres, where Kathryn was such a class act that Meg felt downright stupid in comparison).

She doesn't cry when she has to kiss Lily, barely even looks slightly misty-eyed; she kisses Lily with as much passion as before, exactly how Emily would kiss Naomi. Megan's surprised when the director calls cut and scene, because Kat doesn't seem any worse for wear, but Lily looks downright miserable.

Everything's changed so much, she realizes.

;;

"Do you think it could really last forever?" Kat asks Megan, when they're sitting in her room going over the script for the last episode of the series. "I mean like, Emily and Naomi. Do you think that, maybe, they would last?"

"I dunno," Megan says absentmindedly, but when she looks up, sees Kathryn looking all sad and desperate, she adds, "But they could, you know. As long as they like, worked at it. Obviously it wouldn't be a smooth ride the whole way and there would be issues. But, yeah, I think it could work."

"Good," Kathryn says, and she sounds almost on the verge of bursting into tears, her voice low and throaty. "I want them to."

Megan says, "Yeah, me too," feeling absolutely helpless.

;;

She's reminded again of how vastly different this series is compared to last when they all go to the wrap party in December.

Kathryn spends the whole evening sitting off a booth looking downright miserable, sipping on her lychee martini, not even trying to disguise the fact that she's watching Lily dance with everyone but her. Kaya sees Megan glancing over at her and offers to go outside for a fag with her. Failing that, Kaya orders two rounds of tequila shots for the three of them, brings them over to where Kat's sitting.

They down their drinks quickly and sit in an uncomfortably silence for ten minutes before Megan can't stand it any more and takes Kaya up on her offer for a smoke outside.

;;

Sitting the curb, Megan exhales slowly, says, "Things are marvelously fucked up, aren't they?"

Kaya doesn't answer; her hand finds Megan's in the space between them, covers it with her own.

;;

"Sometimes I wonder," Megan says, while they're sitting in Kaya's kitchen, drinking orange juice and waiting for the toast to be ready.

"Wonder what?" Kaya asks, playing with the butter knife.

"Sometimes I wonder why we keep doing this," Megan says, because there's no point in trying to put things nicely. "Why I keep coming back to you and you keep letting me. Why most of the time when we fuck it's rough and quick and needy, but sometimes it's slow and soft and like, so very different. Why I can't bring myself to _stop_ fucking you, even though you're with Jack."

The toaster makes a _ping_ sound as it finishes; Kaya takes two plates out of the cabinet, puts a piece of toast on each one, brings them both over to the table. She butters hers; Megan smothers jam all over her own piece, eats it slowly, waits for Kaya to say something.

It's a long while -- they've both finished eating and Meg's glass is empty -- before Kaya _does_ say anything. "Do you ever wonder why you're wondering?"

"Fucking hell, Kaya, it's early, speak fucking English." She rubs her temples, agitated.

Kaya finishes her juice. "I'm just saying -- why does it bother you so much, what we do? I mean, you feel this need to question it, but you're not actively doing anything to change it. So it bothers you, but at the same time, it doesn't. Why do you think that is?"

"I have no idea," Megan says helplessly.

"Well," Kaya says, tone even, "I think that's your first problem, then."

;;

It's on the way home from Kaya's one evening, sitting on the train with her headphones on, that Megan realizes that she actually hates this, the leaving.

;;

"I talked to Lily," Kathryn says one day, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, while Megan's on her laptop reading Twitter to see which celebrities have updated in the last five minutes.

"Oh?" Megan says, and she's not really interested, because she and Kat haven't exactly made up for the argument they had over two weeks ago.

What started off as an angry silence between them dissolved into what Megan thinks is grudging acceptance that maybe they're both right, and thus, also both wrong, but she knows Kat well enough to know that she'll never actually say _sorry_ out loud, and Megan doesn't plan on saying it anytime soon either, so she figures that this is good enough. She's started caring less and less about Lily and Kathryn and all their drama, though, because first and foremost, they're both twats who wouldn't know how to sort out their problems if the solution fell on them. Second, because it's just too exhausting to think about it, and, thirdly, it's just not her mess to sort out.

(Kaya keeps reminding her of that last bit, when Megan starts to worry too much about it; usually when she's tired and begins over-thinking everything.)

"Well, what did she say?" She asks, when Kathryn doesn't answer after a few moments. "Or did you like, not actually talk to each other?"

Kathryn says, "We didn't actually . . . talk? I mean like, not about what happened. She just called, wanted to know how I was. It was a very, like, you know, casual type thing. She asked about you too."

"What'd you tell her?"

"That you're still an annoying cunt, only now you're getting fucked on a regular basis, thus making you marginally less annoying than usual, but not enough for me to want to spend time with you."

Megan snorts. "I'm sure she liked that. Probably found it hilarious, didn't she?"

"Well, you know how it goes: it's funny because it's true," Kathryn says with a grin, ducks when Megan chucks a pillow at her head.

There's a brief moment of them just smiling at each other, and it's like they're actually sisters again, instead of just two girls who happen to live under the same roof and share a large number of the same genes. And okay, maybe they haven't apologized or made-up officially, but she's pretty much certain now that Kathryn's gotten over being mad at her.

"We -- Kaya and I, mean -- are going out clubbing tonight," she says, closing her laptop and moving it to her dresser. "Do you want to come? It feels like we haven't gone out together in like, forever."

"I don't know," Kathryn says, examining her nails with a scrutiny that means she's trying her best not to meet Megan's eyes. "I don't really feel up to it."

"Liar," Megan says, though not unkindly. "Never in your life have you _not_ wanted to go out and get totally fucked up in some club. Come on, come with us. I promise not to be a twat. Well, I'll try very hard not to be one, at any rate."

"Fine," Kathryn sighs dramatically, but she can't hide her smile. "Anyway, it'll be good for me to get out, yeah? I mean, it's not like Lily's sitting at home moping about. I'm pretty sure, anyway."

Megan nods. "Yeah, awesome," she says, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically, but if that's what it takes to get Kathryn from lying about all day and night looking like a kicked puppy, then she supposes it's worth it.

Once Kat's left, Megan texts Kaya to let her know she's invited her sister along. It's only seconds later when Kaya responds with _fine, so long as we can be alone long enough for me to fuck you in the bathroom_ , and it makes Megan flush just thinking about it.


	4. Chapter 4

 

The club's packed by the time they arrive -- by taxi, Kaya's treat, of course -- and Megan can practically _feel_ the steady throb of the bass pounding away inside. She and Kaya agreed to let Kat choose the club, which she's starting to think may have been a mistake, because electro-pop-bullshit-whatever is really not her think.

Kat sees her pouting and jabs her roughly in the arm, says, "Come on, Meg, you promised you wouldn't be a twat."

"Whatever," Megan says, glancing over at Kaya, who looks rather amused.

Inside Kaya finds a seat in the corner while Megan and Kathryn go to the bar to get drinks. Kat's already had two Strongbows already -- primer, she calls it, though Megan thinks that's just stupid -- she orders three shots of vodka for herself. Megan gets a rum and Coke, because it reminds her (lamely) of Lily, gets Kaya a cocktail (Sex on the Beach, which she's pretty sure Kaya only likes because of the name).

She leaves Kat sitting at the bar, downing her shots and already making eyes at a blond two seats over.

Kaya looks up when she gets back to the table, gives her an appreciative smile when Megan slides her drink over to her. She wastes no time downing half of it, after which she turns to Megan and says, "It was nice, you know, inviting your sister along."

"Yeah, well, I figured it would cheer her up," Megan says, sipping her own drink. "She's been fucking miserable these past few weeks. I know like, it probably doesn't show. Kathryn's all determined to make people think that she's fine."

"She's actually doing a rather brilliant job at it," Kaya downs the rest of her drink. "Completely serious about that, too. Kat is rather professional, isn't she."

"Well, I wouldn't go that far," Megan says with a roll of her eyes, running her finger along the edge of her glass. "It's more like she doesn't want Lily to know that she's heartbroken."

Kaya nods, licks her lips, and moves in just a bit closer, her hand going to Megan's knee, stroking it casually. A minute later she draws her fingers up higher, until they're moving in circles on Megan's thigh. Megan's heart skips a beat and she sucks in her breath, counts to ten, looks over at Kathryn, who's moved from the bar to the dance floor, has got some slut pressed against her.

She probably would have rolled her eyes again at the sight, but Kaya hitches her skirt up a bit further, her hand now resting on Megan's bare thigh, and _fuck_ , she doesn't know how Kaya can do this to her every damn time, get her so ridiculously wet; she spreads her legs apart to give Kaya greater purchase. Kaya's fingers skate across her cunt through her knickers and she exhales shakily.

"Jesus Christ, Kaya," she murmurs, forcing herself to look straight ahead, and she doesn't even know how Kaya's managing to keep such a straight face, how she looks, fuck, _bored_ , almost. "We -- I -- not _here_."

Kaya doesn't say a word, just slips her hand into Megan's knickers, presses two fingers against her clit. Megan bites back a groan and grips the edge of the table with one hand as Kaya's fingers begin to move, stroking her slowly. She feels a bit like a slut, letting Kaya fuck her here out in the open like this, but goddamn if it isn't also incredibly hot as well, and it only takes a bit of prompting -- Kaya leaning over and whispering in her ear, "I want to see you come here, in front of everyone." -- before she _does_ come, digging her nails into the table and squeezing her eyes shut.

Kaya withdraws her hand a moment later, wearing a satisfied grin on her face, licks her fingers clean right there. Megan has to stifle a groan, and of _course_ it's not when Kathryn decides to come back to the table, sliding in next to Megan.

"You okay," she says, reaching for Megan's drink and finishing it for her. "You look like you're going to be sick."

"Yeah, you do look a little _flushed_ ," Kaya says, somehow managing to sound completely serious.

Megan feels her face grow hot, says, "I'm _fine_ ," glares pointedly at Kaya for a moment before turning to Kathryn with, "and you're buying me a drink. And also, if you're going to fuck someone, at least try to make it be someone with a _bit_ of class, rather than that slag you've been dancing with. Her tits look like they're about to fall out of her top any moment now."

"Fuck off," Kathryn says, sounding awfully pissed already.

"I'll fuck you Kat, if you want," Kaya says.

A beat, then Kathryn starts laughing. "I appreciate the offer, K, but I don't think my sister here would approve."

"Whatever, I don't care," Megan says, not even trying to hide the anger in her voice, and she just wants to slap both of them. Kaya for being an insensitive twat and Kat for just being so damn stupid and irritating and a slut. "It's not like we're _together_ or anything. Kaya fucks who she wants -- don't you, pet?" She asks, glowering at Kaya, who, as usual, doesn't seem fazed by anything at all.

"Megan," Kat slurs, looking fucking _concerned_ , reaching for her, "relax, it's just a joke."

"Right," Megan says and shoves her away, climbs out of the booth, knocking her empty glass over in the process, the ice sliding across the table. "That's all it ever is with Kaya. Just one big fucking joke."

She storms off, doesn't even bother to let them know when she leaves.

;;

The phone rings twice before Lily picks up, and when she says hello, Megan can hear a male voice in the background. It makes her cringe, especially when she hears Lily covering the phone with her hand, whispering a furious _shut up_ to whoever's there with her.

"It's really not what you think,"Lily says moment later.

"That's assuming I think it was anything at all," Megan leans against the wall of the bus stop, the plastic cool against her touch. "Anyway, I was calling because I . . . I wanted to come over. Like, to talk."

"Okay," Lily says slowly, after a beat. "You, uh, know where I live, right?"

"I've been to your house once or twice, yeah. I can manage. I don't think the bus is coming until like -- well, not for about fifteen minutes or so. So like, I'll just call you when I get there and you can just like, meet me some place, yeah?"

"Sure, okay, yeah," Lily agrees distractedly, and in her mind Megan can see her doing a variety of things, most of which involve pulling on articles of clothing and possibly trying to silently get rid of her male companion. She shakes her head to rid herself of those kind of thoughts, and it doesn't help the headache she can feel coming on. Lily's still talking though, and Megan only catches the tail end of it, ". . . And I would appreciate, you know, you not saying anything to Kat."

Megan says, annoyed, "What the hell are you talking about?" and there's a sigh on the other end of the line.

"Just call me when you get close, yeah? I'll meet you at the stop near my house."

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Megan mumbles, doesn't wait to hear Lily says goodbye before she hangs up, shoving her mobile into the back pocket of her jeans and pulling out her iPod, turns the volume up ridiculously loud and skips to Lady Gaga.

She's halfway through "Love Game," when the bus pulls up.

;;

"So why did you want to come over?" Lily asks, when they get to her house and she's fumbling in the dark trying to find her key.

"Dunno," Megan says, crossing her arms as Lily unlocks the door, following her inside as she tosses her keys on the table in the foyer, flicking on the the lights.

"Parents are out," Lily explains, as they both shrug off their coats and hang them off near the door. Lily kicks her shoes off and Megan follows suit, watches as Lily heads into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator, pulls out a can of Strongbow. She offers one to Megan, who holds up her hands and shakes her head. Lily shrugs, pops the can open, takes a long drink of it; with her head tipped back, Megan can see the gentle slope of her neck, watches as she swallows, and God, she still thinks Lily is as gorgeous as ever, even now.

"Sorry, I know it's late," she says, after Lily sighs and wipes her mouth on the back of her hand.

Lily shrugs, finishes her drink in record time, tosses it in the direction of the sink. "What's up?"

"Too fucking much," Megan sighs, feeling incredibly tired and worn out, and Lily nods understandingly.

"Come on, let's go to my room then."

;;

Lily's sheets are red and white striped and it reminds Megan of peppermint; candy canes or after dinner mints. Lily flops down on it without a word and Megan sits on the edge of it, folding her hands in her lap. She doesn't know what to say or how to even begin trying to explain the madness that has become her life, so she's grateful when Lily sits up and says, "So, how're you?"

"Pretty shitty, actually," Megan says, and it's so ridiculous that she can't help laughing at her words. "God, when did life get so fucked up?"

"I'm the wrong person to ask, Megara," Lily flashes her a small smile. "What's fucked up about your life, though?"

"Everything," Megan says helplessly, spreading her arms out in front of her. "Like, just fucking name something."

There's a long pause before she says, "So like, who was that guy you were with when I called?"

Lily snorts and it seems like a remark unto herself. "Just a friend. Seriously," she says, a bit more forcefully this time when Meg looks at her skeptically. "Like, okay, technically speaking, it was my ex-boyfriend, but for fuck's sake, we are nothing more than friends right now. I mean it."

"I believe you," Meg tells her, surprised that she actually means it.

They sit in another long silence. Finally Lily says, "How's Kathryn?"

"Good," Megan says, then, "no, that's a fucking lie. She's terrible. Like, she's back at the club with Kaya now getting right fucked up. And she's probably going to end up fucking that stupid blond cunt she was with earlier," Lily flinches noticeably at that, "but like, none of that matters. I know it doesn't matter to her, I mean. Because she's still in love with you."

Lily looks like she might cry. "I want to believe that."

"You've got no reason not to," Megan tells her. "She's fucking devastated, Lils. I've never seen her like this before. I was telling Kaya this -- how she makes out like she's so strong and she doesn't give a fuck about anyone -- but that's not how she really is. I know she misses you something horrible."

Lily sniffs, plays with the edge of her comforter. "I wish I could have done something, you know? I mean, I _should_ have, done something. Kathryn just seemed so . . . I don't know. Like half the time it felt like she didn't really need me. But that other half of the time, it was like, life or death for her. Do you know what I mean? Like, I can't explain it."

"No, I know," Megan says. "It's like, wanting something but not wanting it at the same time. Because you're sort of afraid of what happens once whatever it is that you want it entirely yours. You sit around wondering if maybe one day you won't have it. Like you'll lose it or something. Or you're afraid that it was never actually yours to begin with; you just thought it was, but you were just like, borrowing it."

Lily smiles weakly. "Poetic."

"More like pathetic," Megan says, looking up and meeting her eyes.

"Yeah, well, same thing isn't it?"

Megan snorts at that and Lily's smile brightens a bit, looks less forced.

"Anyway," Megan says, after a few moments, "if you haven't figured it out already, Kat's in love with you. She's kind of a stupid twat, though, which is probably why she never told you. But she does love you. More than herself, even, which you should take as a huge compliment."

Lily laughs, but it's a sad sort of laugh that makes Megan feel worse. "Things totally _are_ fucked up, aren't they?"

"Yeah."

The gap in their conversations seem to be getting longer, Megan thinks, as they lapse into silence. She thinks about Kaya and her sister back at the club, wonders what they're doing right now, if they're even thinking about her. She thinks about Kaya kissing her, then kissing Kat, thinks about how so fucking interchangeable Kaya probably thinks they are. One Prescott twin is just as good as the other, probably, as far as fucking goes.

She starts to cry.

Lily makes a strangled sort of sound, edges in closer and wraps a tentative arm around her shoulder. She feels stupid for crying, sniffs hard and swipes furiously at her eyes, thinking about how she's going to look like a fucking mess now, because her makeup is absolutely _ruined_.

"I don't even know why I'm crying," she confesses, wipes her eyes again.

Lily stays silent.

"We -- Kaya, Kat, and I, I mean -- were in the club tonight, yeah? And Kathryn was drunk and Kaya was not and Kaya made some stupid remark about how if Kat wanted to fuck her, she could, and it's just . . . stupid. I mean, they've fucked before, and -- "

"Sorry?"

"Oh, um," Megan says, catching herself, flushing horribly. "It was a long time ago, Lily. Way before you. Not important."

"Right," Lily bites her lip, looks more sad than angry or surprised.

"And I don't know why I care so damn _much_ ," Megan continues, only half aware of Lily moving in closer, pulling Megan's head to her shoulder and stroking her hair reassuringly. "Like, they're both such twats and I shouldn't let it bother me. But it _does_. And I don't know why."

"Do you fancy Kaya?" Lily asks after a beat.

"No. I mean, I don't think so. No." She feels ready to start crying again.

Again they lapse into silence.

Then Lily says, "Do you fancy _me_?"

Megan feels her face grow hot again, says, "Maybe. At one point, probably, yeah. I mean, I still sort of do now, you know? But not in the same way. Not like . . ."she can't bring herself to say it, what she really means, says instead, "not like Kathryn does, anyway. Or as much, even. Not even close."

"Oh." Lily's hand stills and Megan sits up, looks at her. Lily bites down on her bottom lip, like she's debating about something. Finally, "You know, I still remember that time you kissed me."

It makes Megan feel even more miserable. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You know, like, it was pretty nice, actually. I just thought you'd want to know; I haven't forgot about it."

Megan wonders what Lily expects her to say; _oh, thanks for remembering the time I snogged you when we were drunk_.

Instead, Lily keeps going. "And I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you know, Megan, you're actually a pretty good friend."

She surprises herself when she says, "Thanks. And you too, really. I wouldn't have thought it, but you kind of are."

Lily smiles. Megan thinks that a year ago, or even weeks ago, it probably would have crushed her to hear Lily say something like that. But now it's just nice, _being_ with her is just nice, and there's only the faintest of sparks when Lily leans forward and kisses Megan on the forehead. She wishes she could say that, just to make things clear, then decides that Lily's probably already figured it out anyway, that she's probably actually rather clever, underneath all those layers of social and technological stupidity.

"Come on," Lily says after a moment. "Let's get drunk and watch _Are You Being Served?_ ; I have all the series on boxset."

"Pass on the getting pissed part, thanks," Megan says with a small laugh. "But definitely a yes on the show."

"I can make us hot chocolates," Lily suggests, going over to her bookcase and retrieving the DVDs. "If you want."

"Sure," Megan says, and Lily flashes her a smile that probably would have made her heart melt, if it had been any other time but now.

;;

Megan wakes up to find her face against Lily's chest. Her shirt smells like peppermint and it's somewhat intoxicating; she kind of just wants to fall back asleep and stay here for possibly forever. Then, the more sensible part of her chimes in that she should probably get up and text Kat, just to let her know she's alright. She tries to move away before she realizes that Lily's got her arms around her and she can't move.

"Off," she grunts and jabs Lily in the ribs. Lily mumbles something incomprehensible, but her arms loosen just enough for Megan to wriggle free. She reaches over Lily for her phone on the nightstand, checks her messages.

None from Kat; that's not surprising. Megan wonders if Kat even made it home last night.

What is surprising is the text from Kaya, and it's just one word, _sorry_ , and suddenly Meg feels like the biggest twat in the world, like she wasn't justified at all in storming off last night. She contemplates texting Kaya back, then decides to just wait and actually call her properly later. She probably doesn't need to apologize, she didn't actually do anything wrong, but she feels like she'll probably end up doing so anyway. Profusely, most likely.

Lily stirs beside her, says, eyes still closed, "Mm, what time is it."

"Quarter to eleven," Megan reads off the clock on the nightstand. "And I should probably like, get dressed and go home.

She climbs over Lily and begins pulling on her jeans, looks at herself in the mirror and makes a mental note to shower as soon as she gets home, because she looks like a right fucking mess. She asks Lily about the bathroom; Lily points her in the right direction: down the hall, to the left. Megan washes her face, combs her hair, tries to make herself look even a little more presentable so she doesn't get odd looks on the bus.

"Thanks," she tells Lily when she's done, Lily sitting up in bed wearing an over-sized t-shirt, her hair sticking out wildly in every direction. "Thanks for last night, I mean. For listening to me and like, you know. Whatever. I feel," she pauses, "better. A lot better, actually. So yeah, thanks."

Lily gives her a sleepy smile, brushes the hair out of her eyes. "Yeah, no problem. And thanks for, uh. Just like, being a friend."

Megan smiles as well. "Absolutely."

(On the bus, she thinks about how wonderfully resolved everything feels, even if it isn't, even if Kathryn is still a stupid fucking cow, even if Kaya's still with Jack. There's such a sense of possibility that she can't feel even a bit worried that everything won't sort itself out, eventually.)

;;

Kat's in her room when Megan arrives home.

She's lying on bed, headphones in, reading the latest issue of _NME_. Megan knocks loudly on the door frame and Kat looks up, pulls out one earbud, says, "Where'd you go last night?"

"A friend's house," Megan says.

"Kaya was worried about you, you know. You should call her."

"Yeah," Megan says quietly. "I was just thinking about that."

"Oh, yeah, and Lily called me this morning," Kat says, and it's obvious she's trying very hard to seem nonchalant about it. "We're going out for coffee later. It's not like, a date or anything. It's a non-date."

Megan smirks, shakes her head at her. "Tell her I say hi, yeah?"

;;

She ends up not even having to call.

After a ridiculously long shower, she's drying her hair in her bedroom when she gets a call from Kaya. _Open your front door_ , it says, and Megan stares at it curiously for a bit before tosses her hairbrush aside and heading downstairs.

She opens the door to find Kaya standing there, mobile in hand.

"I can't decide whether that was just cool or really creepy," Megan says and Kaya grins and grabs the front of her shirt and kisses her roughly. Under normal circumstances Megan would pull away, say something like _not here_ , but it seems oddly appropriate right now, Kaya just kissing her like this.

Kathryn's door is empty when they head upstairs; Megan can hear the shower running in the bathroom down the hall. She makes sure to close (and lock, because she and Kathryn have a terrible issue with invading each other's privacy) the door before pressing Kaya up against it and standing on tiptoe, kissing her breathlessly.

"Sorry I didn't like, call," Megan says, when they separate a few minutes later. "I went to go talk to Lily, and -- "

"Megan, shut up," Kaya says in a low voice, pushes her back towards the direction of her bed.

;;

"So, this is probably the wrong time to say this," Megan starts, and Kaya's fingers tracing circles on the inside of her thigh stop.

Kaya says, "Then I really don't _have_ to tell you not to say it, do I?"

;;

She's constantly surprised at how hard Kaya can make her come with even the slightest of touches, like a kiss pressed to the space below her ear, or Kaya's tongue circling one of Meg's nipples, or something else equally spectacular. She tells this to Kaya when they lie under the sheets panting, the taste of Kaya still in her mouth, her whole body still tingling all over.

"You're not so bad yourself, you know," Kaya murmurs against her shoulder, grinning, and Megan allows Kaya to take her hand, slide in down between her legs. Kaya leans back, one leg straight out in front of her, one bent at an angle, as Megan moves forward and kisses the space between her breasts, runs her tongue over a nipple before taking it into her mouth, sucking slowly, all the while her fingers circling Kaya's clit.

Kaya kisses her neck, nips at her ear lightly, whispers " _Harder_ ," and Megan complies eagerly, thinking she could probably come again just from watching Kaya get off like this, sweaty and flushed, her breath hot on Meg's ear.

;;

 

Kathryn knocks on the door about ten minutes afterward and Megan yells for her to fuck off. Kat keeps knocking, though, insistently, and so finally Megan just grabs one of her blankets and covers herself up with it, storms across the room and yanks the door open.

"What _is_ it?"

"Oh," Kathryn says, surprised, blushing a bit when she looks over Megan's shoulder and sees Kaya lounging on the bed under the sheets. "Oh, well, I was _going_ to ask you if you'd called Kaya and sorted things out, but I suppose you've already done so."

"Oh, fuck off, Kat," Megan says, exasperated, rolling her eyes. Then, softer this time, "But have fun on your non-date with Lily, yeah? You can come back and tell me about it later."

"If I come back at all," Kathryn says, soundingly cheerfully optimistic and not at all like how she usually is. "And you too -- have _fun_."

Kaya laughs and Megan shoves Kat away playfully, closes the door behind her, locking it again.

"So, Kat and Lily," Kaya says, when Megan's returned to the bed, kicking away the blanket and kissing Kaya on the mouth.

"Yeah," she says, wrapping her arms around Kaya and nuzzling against her neck. "I told you that I went to Lily's house last night; I think I finally talked some sense into her. Told her that Kathryn was a stupid twat who wouldn't know how to tell someone she loved them even if it was tattooed on her forehead."

Kaya chuckles, and Megan can feel the sound reverberating in her throat. "So are they going to sort things out then?"

"Hopefully. Like I said, Kat's kind of a stupid twat. But I don't think they'll be rushing into anything soon. Which is nice, actually, because they both take things _way_ too seriously. I think something casual would be good for them. I mean like, they never had that the first time around. It was like, just this huge jump from friends to lovers."

She pauses, considers it for a moment, sighs as Kaya kisses the top of her head, wraps her arms loosely around Megan's waist.

"I think sometimes that was the problem. With them, I mean. They didn't really give themselves time to work things out. To talk. They just plunged headfirst into a relationship. I mean, these things take time, don't they?"

"Mm," Kaya agrees, and Megan turns in her arms, closes her eyes as Kaya noses her hair out of the way and trails feather-light kisses along her neck and shoulder.

Megan says, quietly, "Did you really mean it, what you said last night when we were at the club? Would you have really fucked Kathryn?"

"No," Kaya says, and there's a kind of forcefulness behind it that makes Megan's heart skip a beat. "No, I wouldn't have. I couldn't have, anyway, I don't think. You -- you've done something to me, Megan. I don't know what it is."

Megan captures her hand, brings it to her mouth, kisses her knuckles.

They fall asleep like that, spooning in bed.

;;

"Kathryn," Megan says, while they're brushing their teeth one morning. "I think I may be in love with Kaya."

Kat gives her a look that says, _well, duh_ , but she follows it with a smile before spitting her mouthful of toothpaste into the sink. "God, you're daft sometimes."

"Shut up," Megan says, and ribs her playfully.

;;

She decides to tell Kaya that evening, after they've settled on Kaya's bed and are watching the news on the telly in her room. Kaya had suggested watching _Eden Lake_ , but Megan had told her no, had lied and said she didn't like horror movies, though really it was because she didn't want to watch something that would remind her of Jack all evening.

"Kaya," Megan says quietly, after long moments of silence in which Kaya, her head resting on Meg's shoulder, had been playing with a strand of Megan's hair, curling it around a long, slender finger, before letting it come undone, and once more repeating the process, over and over again.

"Kaya," Megan tries again, because she doesn't know if Kaya heard her, and this time Kaya makes a _mmhmm_ sound in response, her movements not stilling. "I've got something to tell you. Something serious. And like -- I've gone over this a thousand times in my head today, and I'm sorry that I've only just realized it, but the thing is I love -- "

Kaya shifts, leans in and kisses her abruptly, cutting her off.

One of Megan's hands goes to Kaya's shoulder, pulling her in, and subsequently to steady herself as well, because okay, maybe she hasn't like, managed to say the whole thing out loud, but Kaya's heard her say it, and it's okay, and, and --

She feels like she's going to burst.

Kaya pulls away, kisses her nose, the corner of her mouth.

"I know, okay?" She murmurs, fingers threading through Megan's hair, kissing her again.

;;

"So, what are you going to do?" Megan asks later, nuzzling her neck sleepily after they're made love -- and just thinking about that, _making love_ , make her heart flutter in all sort of outrageously happy ways. And she doesn't want to ruin the moment, only, she knows she has to ask, so she adds, "About Jack, I mean."

"Don't know," Kaya says, a bit too passively, and it hurts just a little bit, but she tries not to let the sting bother her too much, especially when Kaya kisses her neck, her ear. "Don't worry about that right now, okay?"

"I can't help but worry," Megan presses on, stupidly, pulling Kaya closer to her, bumping their noses together before she kisses her, long and slowly, and Kaya tastes a bit like strawberries and a lot like cigarettes, but it's not bad at all, because she can also taste herself and it's, well. Hot. But sweet too, almost, Megan thinks, and grins, despite the fact that Kaya doesn't want to seem to discuss anything right now.

And it's fine, almost, except that she _does_ want to talk about it, because things like this are important, and she's tired of being like, the other woman, especially since Kaya doesn't seem to care about Jack at all, aside from fucking him, and it's not fair. Megan thinks that Kaya should hear this, and she _wants_ to say it, but then Kaya kisses her, more aggressively this time, pushing Megan down onto the bed and straddling her hips, and she just seems to forget everything right then and there.

"Kaya," she starts, as Kaya slides her hands up to Megan's breasts, covering them with her palms, leaning in and kissing her, her tongue sliding against Megan's.

Megan sighs, looping her arms loosely around Kaya's neck, gasping sharply when Kaya's thumbs brush over her nipples, arches up when Kaya pulls away from the kiss and circles one of Megan's nipples with her tongue, once, twice, before taking it into her mouth and sucking hard on it.

It's stupid, Megan thinks, that Kaya can so easily distract her like this, and she knows that Kaya's fully aware of how to keep her from talking.

She briefly considers telling Kaya no, pushing her off and demanding that they talk first, just sort everything out. But her hands move of their own accord, her fingers threading through Kaya's hair, pushing her head down in a gentle, encouraging manner. Kaya looks up at her and grins, licking her lips, and fuck, Megan can't even think of anything else right now other than how much she would love to have Kaya's tongue between her legs.

She's sure that later she'll regret not taking the opportunity to talk, but she pulls Kaya up for another kiss anyway, whispers " _Please_ ," and Kaya chuckles lightly before sliding back down, and Megan arches up as Kaya moves between her thighs, hooks one leg over Kaya's back, digs her heel in when Kaya licks up the length of her cunt before taking Megan's clit into her mouth and sucking terribly slowly.

It's probably the quickest she's ever come; she's still seeing stars a moment later, when Kaya crawls up beside her kisses her lightly, hand resting on Meg's stomach lightly.

"Jesus," Megan says, taking in a shaky breath, and then just, "God, I love you."

Megan figures it's fine, saying it like that, because she's already sort of said it once, so even though it's not the most romantic way to come out with a statement like that, it's also not the worst. And besides, Kaya doesn't look like, insulted or anything; she gives Megan a small smile, kisses her cheek.

"I know," she says again.

;;

They end up not talking about Jack at all, which Megan thinks is both a good and a bad thing, because on one hand it didn't spoil their evening, but on the other hand, they've still got loads to sort out and Kaya doesn't seem like she ever actually wants to get around to doing that.

Finally, she just says, one evening when Kaya's come over and she's leaning in to unbutton Megan's top, "You need to make a decision, Kaya. Like, what am I to you? Sometimes I think I know, but most of the time I _don't_ , because you never tell me anything and you won't ever talk about it, even when I ask."

"I love you," Kaya says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"It's not enough," Megan says.

It hurts to say it, hurts even more when Kaya pulls away and tugs on her jacket, leaves without another word, leaves without even a backwards glance. And she wants to cry, she can feel the tears building up inside her, but she just _can't_ , because she knows that she was right, and that Kaya is stupid, and well, Kaya _loves_ her --

She doesn't cry until the next morning in the shower, between rinsing the shampoo out of her hair and reaching for the bottle of conditioner.

;;

Wrapping a towel around herself, wet hair clinging to her shoulders and back, she walks down the hall, passing Kathryn's room as she does so. The doors open a bit, less than a meter or so, but she stops anyway, looks inside. Lily's in bed with Kathryn, both of them asleep, dressed and on top of the covers, and they're like, spooning or whatever, but they just look so peaceful and Kathryn's face looks so happy, for once . . . She feels like crying again.

Sitting down on the edge of her bed, running a hand through her wet hair, she wonders when it is that Kathryn got everything together, when she became the twin whose life was a mess.

;;

She and Kaya don't speak for almost a month.

 _Skins_ is long past over filming, and the only thing left to do now is to watch the episodes when they air. She doesn't know how she's going to get through that, if she's even going to _watch_ the episodes at all, because it will probably just hurt too much for her to deal with.

Anyway, it's probably for the best, because she doesn't think she could watch it anyway, remembering how Kathryn was surprisingly professional about the whole thing, even when she'd broken up with Lily. She'd been so fucking devastated but had carried on rather valiantly, to the point where Megan had become annoyed that she could just turn her emotions on and off like that.

And she hates the constant reminders of that, especially when Lily comes over and she finds her and Kathryn on the couch watching telly or a movie or just fucking like, cuddling on the couch, and it's like nothing ever changed between them, like months ago Kathryn wasn't a fucking depressed loser for months, and it's just too much sometimes.

Kathryn says, "Look, you told me when I was being a twat, so now I'm telling you: you're being a fucking twat. So like, I don't care if you listen to me or not, just fucking _call_ her, okay?"

"Whatever," Megan sighs, and Christ, without even trying she's become the Kathryn from months ago, just sitting around and crying. It's so fucking pathetic that she can barely stand it. And for once she gets it, why Kathryn was always off fucking other people when she couldn't be with Lily, because it was easier to just do that then to spend all your time thinking about the person that you _actually_ cared about.  
;;

Once she says, passing Kathryn on her way into the kitchen, "I am happy for you, you know," and Kat just smiles and nods, and Megan's grateful that Kat knows to just do that, instead of turning it into some sort of retarded meaningful family moment or whatever.

;;

Kathryn comes out to their parents about as much as Megan ever expected her to in early March, which involves finally introducing Lily to them as her _really good friend_ , the one who she was snogging during _Skins_. And well, it doesn't exactly count, Megan thinks, but Kat's pleased enough about it, and she thinks that it's good enough for now. She doesn't even consider coming out, because there's no point, really.

Instead, she brings up how she got her acceptance letter from the University of Kent, conditional on results, and she's pleased that for once she's doing something that Kathryn's not, Kat having decided to just take a year or two off and just do fuck knows what -- probably a lot of drinking, Megan thinks.

"Congratulations," Kat says, poking her head into Megan's room on her way out, her leather jacket on, Lily's hand in hers.

"Thanks," Megan says, looking up from her laptop.

"Also, I think it's wicked that you got into there," Kat says, grinning, "because Sarah Waters went to Kent as well."

"God, you are _so gay_ ," Megan tells her, and Lily laughs until Kathryn shuts her up with a kiss, and it's adorable, really, how they are together, and so it's no surprise when the next thing that comes out of Kat's mouth is:

"So, I'm thinking of moving in with Lily next year. Like, we were thinking about getting a flat."

"You're absolutely broke, Kathryn," Megan says, because the immediate thing for her to do is to be sensible about this. "Unless you're planning on getting a job -- "

"I am," Kat says, cutting in. "I've already applied to some places. Besides, I did save _some_ of the money I made on _Skins_ , Meg, I'm not stupid. Just, you know, not a lot. But anyway, Lily's got a lot, and she doesn't mind paying a bit extra for a month or two, do you, love?"

She kisses the back of Lily's hand, looks so lovestruck that Megan has to bite back the urge to laugh.

"We still need to talk things out," Lily tells Megan, but she can tell that Lily's already sold on the idea.

;;

Sometime later that week she works up the nerve to call Kaya; her mobile rings four times before voice mail picks up.

Megan doesn't leave a message.

;;

"Have you, you know, talked to Kaya recently?" Megan asks, cornering Lily while she's in the kitchen getting a glass of water.

"Not really," Lily says, then confesses, "well, a bit, but mostly just the usual like, cordial type of things. How she is, what she's doing and all that. It's all be texting. I haven't seen her around really since that time about, uh, a month ago when she came over here to see you."

Megan frowns, runs a hand through her hair, agitated. "Well, if you see her -- or, well, whenever you talk to her again -- let her know that like . . . I don't know. Just tell her I want to talk to her. That I'm sorry. And I don't care if she's seeing Jack or whatever."

"Yeah, sure," Lily says, heading back towards the living room. "No problem."

;;

She calls Kaya again.

This time Kaya picks up on the second ring.

"Hi," Megan says, trying not to seem to eager. Kaya doesn't respond, and an uncomfortable silence follows for a few moments before Megan ventures on. "So like, I don't know if you've talked to Lily or anything, but I've been wanting to talk to you for a while now. And I know I should have called more, but the thing is, I was -- _am_ \-- stupid. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have like, made you choose between Jack and I or whatever."

"Yeah, you shouldn't have," Kaya says dully, and Meg feels a twinge of hurt.

"And I'm sorry. Again. It's not like we were ever like, you know, an actual couple or something, so I had no right to make it seem like you were -- I don't know. It was stupid."

"Right."

"Could we like -- I don't know -- like, try again? Please? I miss just being with you." She sounds so pathetic right now, she knows, and she hates herself a bit for it, but she's only just saying what's true, and she thinks it should count for _something_.

"Yeah, okay," Kaya says, after a long pause.

It's good enough.

;;

They meet for coffee.

Kaya mostly just sits there while Megan babbles on nervously about everything that's happened in the month they haven't been speaking, which includes Kat's almost-sort of-but-not-really coming out and getting her acceptance letter from Kent. Kaya nods, occasionally, and Megan thinks that it could be worse; Kaya could just be out and out ignoring her, could have not even agreed to meet in the first place.

Finally Megan says, "Kat and Lily are going to move in together."

"Oh, good for them," Kaya says, and it's the first thing she's said in ten minutes that actually sounds sincere. "Your sister's figured things out then, has she. Lily too. About fucking time."

"Yes," Megan agrees, finishes her coffee. "It took them a while, but they managed alright."

"I've noticed that the Prescott girls can be somewhat dumb," Kaya says, playing with her spoon and looking out the window. "It takes them a while to figure out what they want and how to go about the right way to get it."

Megan says, "I still love you, you know. And I wasn't lying -- I am sorry."

"Obviously," Kaya says, and it doesn't come out malicious like Megan had half expected it to, more like, charming. "Was it Kathryn who got you to call me?"

"She may have suggested it at one point, yes," Megan admits, coloring a bit, but she's pleased when a hint of a smile plays across Kaya's lips.

She's even more pleased when Kaya presses a kiss to her cheek before leaving.

;;

"So, how're things with Kaya?" Kat asks one morning, making herself tea.

"Good enough," Megan says, skimming the paper on the table before pushing it aside with a sigh. "We've like, talked a bit more about things, but I don't really -- it's not really up to me, you know? Like, I can't do anything else to make her want me."

"I know exactly how you feel," Kat says, tosses her used tea bag into the bin.

She can't remember a time when she and Kathryn were so similar.

;;

A week later, she gets a text from Kaya: _on the train, coming to see you. i've got something important to tell you._

Kathryn says, "Go meet her there, stupid," when Megan spends five minutes fretting over what it is Kaya could possibly want to tell her, because she doesn't think it could be anything _good_.

;;

She meets Kaya at the train station, nervously playing with a strand of her hair, her heart jumping into her throat when she spots Kaya, looking absolutely gorgeous without even trying.

"What is it?" She asks, as Kaya walks up, tucking her mobile away into her jacket pocket.

Kaya shrugs, shoves her hands into her pocket, is quiet for a few agonizingly long minutes before she says, "I just wanted to let you know that Jack and I broke up."

Megan can't help but smile. "Oh?"

"Not for you," Kaya says, though she can't disguise the fact that she's utterly pleased about it, the way the corners of her mouth twitch upward. "Definitely not for you."

"Of course not," Megan says, and steps forward and kisses her, Kaya's fingers threading through her hair and gripping the back of her head. She knits her fingers into Kaya's coat and pulls her in closer, kisses her until she's breathless.


End file.
